


Portions for Foxes - Fade to Black Edition

by polynya



Series: Portions for Foxes [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Estate Planning as a Love Language, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Kuchiki Bullshit, Love, Political Marriage, Post-Thousand Year Blood War Arc, Pregnancy, Self-Destruction, Squad 6 is jerks, minor Karakura kids, most of the Gotei regulars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-10-29 00:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polynya/pseuds/polynya
Summary: After his captain's death at the hands of As Nodt, Renji just wants to sink into the shattered wreckage that used to be his life. But Byakuya has left him with a few things to take care of, and Renji is nothing, if not loyal.Fade to Black version (mature rather than explicit)





	1. Nothing quite so poison as a promise

**Author's Note:**

> I've heard that Byakuya was supposed to die in the Thousand Year Blood War Arc, but then Kubo changed his mind or something, I don't know the full story. I've heard a lot of people say, "Oh, it would have been better, Renji could have taken over Squad 6." I don't know if those people read the same Issue 502 that I did, but I am pretty sure Renji would have *utterly lost his shit* if Byakuya had actually died.
> 
> So here's a little story about that.
> 
> WARNINGS:
> 
> Major character death is Byakuya, as well as everyone who canonically died in the TYBWA, everyone else is safe.
> 
> This is the Fade-to-Black version: Chapters 1 and 4 allude to sexual content between consenting adults, but it is not graphic. I couldn't take it out entirely, it's important to the plot. [Here is the full-smut version](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787242), if you would prefer.
> 
> There's some typical Bleach style violence, which is mostly action-y, but there are also some PTSD-style flashbacks of B's death primarily in part 2.
> 
> There's a lot of depression stuff, including alcohol abuse, generally terrible decision-making and plain-old depression.
> 
> Even though this is a pretty sad story, it's ultimately hopeful, and things do look up at the end. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Many thanks, as always, to my wonderful beta reader, Luna12, who pronounced this Good, otherwise, I never would have had the stones to post it.
> 
> Main title is from the Rilo Kiley song, chapter titles are song lyrics from Neko Case, Bastille, Neko Case again, and Brian Fallon.

"Listen up, you stupid fuck, this is the last time I'm coming in here."

"Good," says Abarai Renji, who has refused to be named the Acting Captain of the Sixth Division. He does not look up as Kurosaki Ichigo storms into his office _ again. _

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," Ichigo informs him. "I am not here because I give even a single shit about you. I do not care what you want to be called or which side of this office you're sitting on, or what you plan to do with the rest of your miserable afterlife. Orihime and Chad have already wasted enough of their time and their big old bleeding hearts on you."

"I'm kind of in the middle of something," Renji points out, still not looking up.

"You're always in the middle of something! Fuck your fucking expense reports!"

"I'm writing letters of condolence to the families of my officers who were killed, actually."

Ichigo grinds his teeth. "Fine, then, I'll cut to the chase. We're gettin' kicked out. Thanks for the help, Kurosaki, call ya the next time there's a threat to time and space."

This time, Renji puts down his brush and actually looks up. "Thanks, Ichigo. I mean it. We owe you a lot, all of us. Good luck with school or whatever it is you do these days."

Ichigo shakes his head in disgust. "I didn't come here to say goodbye, you moron. I came here because Rukia is gonna fall to fucking pieces without Orihime and Chad and, I dunno, maybe I'm helping. At least I'm _ trying_. Anyway, you gotta cut this shit out, man. She _ needs _ you."

Now Renji is the disgusted one. "For _ what_, exactly? You and her killed Yhwach together. She's strong as fuck."

"That has fuck-all to do with anything! She lost her brother and she lost her captain, and the one person she loves the most--"

"Shut up."

"You shut up! What are you even so sad about? He was always mean to you and called you--"

"_SHUT UP AND GET OUT!" _

"It wasn't your fault, Renji, you gotta get over--"

Renji hurls Ichigo bodily out of the office, and then, with great care, casts the only ward he knows over the door. The kid could probably break it by looking at it funny. It doesn't matter. Ichigo doesn't come back.

* * *

Renji sits on the roof of the Sixth with Izuru.

They are both very drunk.

“Everyone keeps telling me to...like… buck up,” Izuru gripes. “Feel better. Get over it.”

Renji nods. He has no idea where the sake goes when Kira drinks it. He does not want to know.

“And you know what? There’s a huge hole in my chest and I don’t want to get over it. I want to think about it. I want to talk about it. I want to poke my fingers around the edges of it.”

“Does that hurt?” Renji asks.

“Fuck, yes, but I keep doing it anyway.”

“I feel you, man. Big same.”

"I know you do. That's why you're the only person I can stand right now."

"Ehhhhh, fuck 'em." 

"Yeah. That's th'spirit. Fuck'em." 

They drink.

* * *

The Captain-General gently places a folder on the desk between them. "Please take a look," Kyouraku says gently. Renji reminds himself that here is one more person who has lost someone very important. There is nothing unique about his misery.

The folder is full of recommendations. Otoribashi and Muguruma's are brief, but unequivocal. After all, Renji saved their lives by utterly wrecking the guy who took both of them down at once. Hirako's is long and rambling and clearly large portions of it were ghostwritten by Momo. Hitsugaya's is also very long and full of painstakingly specific details and insights. Renji flips past; he can't stand to read it. Zaraki's is just half a torn piece of paper that reads "This guy is pretty good." Renji pauses on that one. Rare praise indeed. There are also notes of approval from Soi Fon and Kurotsuchi, and unofficial recommendations from an additional two acting captains, three former captains (two banished, one AWOL) and a former Grand Kidou Chief.

Renji closes the folder and pushes it back across the desk. "You need six recommendations and three approvals. You're missing one of each," he points out. "This other stuff is nice, but it doesn't count. Anyway, I don't want the job."

"This is every active captain in Soul Society," Kyouraku points out. "We're a little shorthanded. Central 46 is willing to relax the standard."

Renji shakes his head. "Relaxing standards isn't the way we do things at the Sixth."

Kyouraku sucks his teeth and pulls out a second folder. "I do have one more recommendation, actually, although you'd probably argue that this one doesn't count, either."

Perplexed, Renji flips it open. He recognizes that elegant, precise hand immediately. With his heart hammering in his ears, he slams it closed again. "I can't--" he stammers. "I don't--"

"Why don't you take that home?" Kyouraku suggests kindly. "You really should read it, but I don't blame you for needing some privacy and a stiff drink to get through it. You can bring it back to me tomorrow, maybe with an answer? There's an envelope in there, too, addressed to you. That, you can keep."

"It won't change anything," Renji murmurs.

* * *

He keeps trying, but even with three stiff drinks in him, he can't make it through the recommendation. The worst part is how many times it contains his own name. These incredibly out-of-character praises would be a lot easier to swallow if they were phrased as "my oafish lieutenant is the most loyal and trustworthy man in the Gotei 13" or "the utter buffoon who follows me around has been completely qualified to lead a division on his own for over a year now."

He pulls out the envelope and decides to take that on instead. Perhaps it will explain that this recommendation is some sort of joke. The captain always did have a pretty peculiar sense of humor.

"Abarai Renji," it starts out. Renji cannot recall the captain ever addressing him absent his rank. Maybe that time they fought, the time Renji defied him in the doomed hopes of saving Rukia. "There are three things in my life that are important enough that I would seek to provision for their ongoing care in the event of my demise. I am leaving one of these to you: the Sixth Division. My grandfather loved this division. My father loved this division. I love this division. Alas, I have no sons of my own, and I have yet to find an individual among my relatives who is both qualified for the post and who would hold it dear. Should you both agree to it, I would find Rukia to be an acceptable alternative, but I think she does not love it as you do."

Renji pours himself a fourth drink.

"I have confidence that you can easily pass the Captains' Exam, should you choose to go that route. You are also well-liked among the captain-class, and should have no trouble gathering recommendations, if you prefer. The difficulty will lie in circumventing my family's opposition. They will fight to appoint some unqualified charlatan. _ You must not let that happen. _ I know that you are far more clever and ruthless than you let on. This should serve you well, now. Do not hesitate to ask Rukia for assistance.

"You will make a fine captain. In time, perhaps a worthy heir will arise amongst the Kuchiki, and I trust you to maintain the standards and values that we both share until you are ready for that person to take your place.

With gratitude,

Kuchiki Byakuya."

* * *

The next morning, a moderately hungover Abarai Renji tosses the folder on the Captain-Commander's desk.

"I'll take the Exam," he announces.

Kyouraku sticks out his lower lip and nods. "_She _ said the same thing."

* * *

He's ripped the sleeves off his shihakushou and torn them into strips, which he has wound around his hands and forearms. The tiger-print bandana he got in the Royal Realm has seen better days, but that's the one Renji wants for today. He would look even fiercer, probably, if he left the bandana off entirely, to show off his tattoos, but he's worn one for so long, he feels like it would be a distraction to go without.

His face looks like shit, and so does his hair. That doesn't take any effort at all.

Rukia has taken the opposite tack. She's wearing a shihakushou of fine silk, like the ones her brother always wore, but instead of the usual sash, she's got a thick, heavily embroidered obi, white on white, and matching tekkou. Her hair is full of sparkly, jangly things, and her face is so heavily made up, it looks like warpaint. And of course, the scarf. Renji isn't sure how she's going to fight in this getup, but it's a real Byakuya aesthetic for sure. 

He hasn't seen her for close to two weeks, not since the funeral. She was immaculate that day, stone-faced, beautiful, greeting mourners, wrangling servants. Renji himself had become so claustrophobic with grief, he ended up puking in one of the Manor's eight hundred fancy bathrooms.

He thought he might have trouble facing her today, but he actually feels good, better than he has in weeks. Usually, during a Captains' Exam, the examinee is called upon to demonstrate their skills against one of the existing captains, but since there's two of them today, they'll be fighting each other, over and over. That feels right. Correct. He likes the pair they make, too, a fallen moon goddess and a rabid dog.

She's warming up, going through some katas, and he's close enough to see through the make-up and the costume that her wrists are thinner than usual and there are deep hollows under her eyes.

"You look like shit," he announces. Rukia doesn't need his sympathy. Never has.

She laughs, and his heart fills with salt water. "You should talk, you old fuck. How much sake you have for breakfast?"

"Not enough, apparently," he shrugs. "Ready to get your ass handed to you?"

"You're a thousand years too early," she promises.

The Exam is usually private, but for some reason, this one isn't, and they've drawn a bit of a crowd. Neither of them care. Neither of them care about very many things at all, these days. Out of spite and pent-up rage, they end up putting on a pretty good show.

Rukia wipes him at shunpo, but he makes her work at it, and he edges her out at hakuda. She's no match for him at zanjutsu, of course, but she completely schools him at kidou.

They only need to demonstrate that they have bankai, simply perform the release. But as soon as they have, they launch themselves at each other, the killing intent burning in their eyes. It occurs to Renji, briefly, that he is attacking the woman who killed Yhwach, that perhaps he is going to die, right here, in the middle of his own exam. He decides that would be okay by him.

Fifteen minutes later, he opens his eyes to find himself being thawed out by a very grumpy Lieutenant Hinamori. "You are so _ stupid,_ the both of you. Do you know your stupid reiatsu knocked out nearly every person in the audience below vice-captain?" She wrinkles her nose. "And two vice-captains, who will remain unnamed." 

Renji leans forward, so he can see Rukia. She waves at him with the arm that Hanatarou isn't currently trying to reattach. "You got plans after this?" she shouts over. 

* * *

They sit on the edge of Ugendou Pond. It's a warm night and the fireflies are out. 

Rukia pours them each some sake from a bottle whose label is just some X's. 

"This is vile," Renji announces. "Very nostalgic." Rukia has always had a talent for procuring horrific beverages.

"Unfortunately, we can't have too much," she sighs. "I need to talk to you about something."

He stiffens. He shouldn't have come here. He knew this was a mistake.

"I, uh, I live here now. At the 13th. Did you know that?"

He did not.

She's got a piece of paper, an envelope maybe, in her hands that she keeps playing with. "Brother left me a letter. He asked me to take care of the Family."

Renji feels a cold lump of lead in his stomach. He got off easy, he supposes.

"That's the last thing the Family actually wants, obviously. Everything's in a huge uproar right now."

Renji has been dimly aware, through a haze of alcohol and under a self-imposed mountain of paperwork, that a number of his subordinates have been taking a lot of personal time. "He wanted you to become the new Clan Head?" he asks, confused.

"Oh, no. No, I can't be. One of the terms of my adoption was that, although I am a full member of Byakuya's line, as if by blood, I cannot personally be named Clan Heir or Clan Head."

"What does he want you to do, then?"

"Someone else will become Clan Head. It's not clear who, yet. But there are other sources of power within the Clan. Proximity to the main line is one. If I wanted to, I could choose the next Clan Head right now by marrying one of the top candidates."

"Is that what he wants you to do?" Renji asks dully. He should feel something, but he just feels numb and sick, as usual.

"No. If there were someone he liked, he would have named them Heir. He wants me to hold out, be a thorn in their side." She blows air out of her cheeks. "Keep the line going. So the _ next _ Clan Head is a good one." She looks at him. "You intend to assume the captaincy of the Sixth?"

Renji tosses a pebble into the pond. "He asked me to. Same as you--hold onto it for the next guy." 

"How do you intend to do that?"

He frowns. "Just took the test, didn't I?"

Rukia sighs and looks away. "My family gives a tremendous amount of money to the Gotei 13, not just the Sixth. We count ten seats on the Central 46. The Captain-General will never appoint someone the Family hasn't agreed upon. And if he did, they would scream scandal on his Clan and rest assured, the other Great Houses would side with the Kuchiki."

"Then why'd Kyouraku ask me, then?" Renji growls, irritated. He hates this crap.

"Because I asked him to," Rukia replies, hurling a stone across the water. Renji counts five skips. "I want to force their hand." She looks at him meaningfully. "There are some family members who are loyal to Brother's memory, who have great respect for the family line. They want me to take command of the Sixth. There are far more family members who are horrified by that idea, and would do anything, _ anything _ to keep me out. What they really want is to delay things, to tie things up. They want the position vacant. They want you to get tired of waiting and take the Seventh instead."

"Iba'll take the Seventh," Renji frowns.

"He doesn't feel ready. He wants to be named Acting until he can pass the exam."

"Well, I sure as hell wouldn't take it from him! And since when do you talk to Iba?"

"Since my brother_ died _ and left me _ in charge of his legacy_!'

Renji falls silent while Rukia composes herself. "Anyway, it doesn't matter, because that's their long game. Their short game is to pretend you're some sort of viable candidate."

"I'm not?"

"You do have some genuine supporters, actually. Most of them are your subordinates and they know you personally. They say you're the best man for the job." Renji feels oddly touched by this. He wonders which ones. "But you have no ties to the family, and that's a dealbreaker for almost everyone else." Rukia skips another stone, and this one makes it clear to the far shore. "There will surely be a meeting in the next few days. Probably after we get the results of our exams. It will be a bunch of arguing and the only thing that will be decided is that the Sixth isn't getting a new captain anytime soon."

"What do you want me to do?" he grumbles. This seems intractable. He doesn't know how any of this works.

"There's a way," she says quietly. "Look, you don't have to, okay? It's too much to ask. I wouldn't even, but I know you love the Sixth, and...well… Brother left you this. It has your name on it, it wouldn't be right if I didn't give it to you. But if you don't want to, it won't hurt my feelings or anything, and we'll figure something out, okay?" She shoves the envelope she's been holding at him. 

"You already read it?" he asks.

Her cheeks turn pink. "If he didn't want me to see it, he wouldn't have given it to me to give to you," she mumbles.

He carefully pulls out the letter inside. 

"Abarai Renji," it starts. "There is only one thing that I hold in my heart above my Clan and my Division. As you yourself have taught me, she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. However, I have entrusted this letter to her to give to you should the occasion ever arise in which she might choose to share this burden with yourself." Renji reads the rest of the letter. He reads it a second time. He looks at Rukia, who is so embarrassed she has become enraged.

"Do you think it would work?" he asks slowly.

"If we can take them by surprise, yes."

"Is ...is this what you want?"

She is quiet for a very long time. "I am committed to upholding my brother's honor. Given that, this is a far more pleasant option than any alternative I can think of."

"Okay," says Renji.

"Okay, what?" Rukia stammers.

"Okay, let's do it."

"You don't owe him anything!" she exclaims. "It wasn't your fault! You don't have to do this and you don't have to run that stupid division of his!"

"You don't owe him anything either," Renji points out. "Seems like you got a far worse job than me. If… if I can make it a little easier on you, I'm happy to." 

"Oh," is all she can say.

He's glad. If she showed him any kind of gratitude, tried to tell him how good or kind or noble he is for doing this, he feels like he would crack into pieces.

"Can I have another drink, now?" he asks.

* * *

The Captain-General calls them both into his office the next morning. "There's good news and there's bad news," Kyouraku tells them. "You both passed with flying colors. Wonderful job, both of you. I wonder if we could send all our vice-captains up to the Royal Realm for training." The joke, such as it is, falls flat. 

Kyouraku gestures to a stack of letters threatening to tumble off his desk. "The bad news is that your family, Lieutenant Kuchiki, has some, er, concerns. About the management of the Sixth Division." It seems like he has more to say, but Rukia cuts him off.

"We'll deal with it."

Kyouraku looks relieved, but he's a tricksy bastard, and this is probably all an act anyway. "Well," he hems, "just let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"There is," says Rukia.

* * *

They have an appointment with the Captain-General that evening, after work hours.

Rukia says she has a number of things to organize. She won’t detail them out, but apparently, it’s a lot.

Renji’s job is to _ keep his trap shut _ and to locate two witnesses. They should be shinigami in good standing, have no noble connections, and be absolutely incorruptible. 

At 7:07pm, Rukia comes scrambling into the courtyard of the First Division, trailing papers. “You didn’t,” she gasps.

“Well,” says Renji. “You said incorruptible. So I asked Ikkaku.” 

Ikkaku grunts.

“Then Yumichika demanded to come along.”

Yumichika grins and waves. He’s carrying some sort of...luggage?

“Rangiku got wind of it and didn’t want to miss out.”

“I told you to keep your trap shut!”

“Rangiku’s colors are much closer to Abarai’s,” Yumichika sniffs. “I had to consult.”

“And then Captain Hitsugaya thought he should come along to keep an eye on us.”

The young captain crosses his arms over his chest. “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You two are in absolutely no mental state to be making these sorts of decisions. I think Abarai is _ drunk_.”

“Just a little,” Renji admits.

Hitsugaya sniffs. “Of course, you know I support you stubborn bastards unconditionally.”

Renji grins sheepishly as Rukia’s eyes scan over their comrades. He didn't _ intentionally _ pull the old Advance Team back together, it just sort of happened. It felt right. Judging from the watery look in Rukia's eyes, she feels the same.

Renji, even though he is mildly toasted, or perhaps _ because _ he is, feels that he looks very handsome in the dress uniform Byakuya made him get. Yumichika has scrubbed the fuck out of his face with all sorts of citrusy smelling things, and tamed his hair into something almost respectable. 

Matsumoto picks up Rukia’s dropped papers and gently hands them back. “Are you going to let Yumi and I do your makeup? You look a little frazzled.” Yumichika holds up his luggage with a hopeful look in his eyes.

“We’re already late,” Rukia manages.

Nanao is leaning in the doorway of the Head Captain’s Office. “It’s okay. You have time. He’s running very late. As usual."

* * *

Twenty-five minutes later, they stand in the Captain-General’s office, facing each other, their right arms interlocked, their drawn zanpakutou held high. Everyone is very respectfully ignoring the fact that Rukia is standing on a chair.

Rangiku and Yumichika are miracle workers, Renji thinks. Rukia’s face looks soft and lovely, instead of haggard and exhausted. Or maybe it’s just the way she’s looking at him. He can’t understand how she can look at him like that, after all of this. 

“And how will you meet your enemies?” Kyouraku asks.

“As one, we shall meet them, as one, we shall fight,” Renji and Rukia recite together.

“And how do you swear this?”

“We swear on sword and soul.”

Matsumoto is fanning her face, trying not to get misty, and failing. Renji is irked. He _ told _ her this was political.

“Let it be so,” the Captain-General intones. “With this, you are forged together, a single blade. May your battle be long, and when you fall, may you fall together.”

Zabimaru thrums in his hand. He isn’t sure what that means. His zanpakutou hasn’t talked to him since the Quincy were defeated. 

Carefully, they unlace their arms, salute each other with their swords, then turn and salute their Captain-Commander. With a sad smile, he nods to them, and they re-sheath their zanpakutou. “Congratulations,” he says. 

They look at each other awkwardly.

“Do it, you twits,” Ikkaku demands, impatiently. 

Ikkaku has ordered him around for far too many years, and Renji responds automatically. He leans in, except that he’s a step too far away, and also, he's misjudged her height. Rukia takes a quick step forward and catches him by the arms. The chair wobbles precariously as their lips smash together. It’s their entire relationship, rolled into one horrible kiss.

Someone snorts, either Hitsugaya or Yumichika.

Renji straightens up. His face is bright red.

Rukia is looking at him indulgently. There is laughter in her eyes, but she doesn’t let it pass her lips, and he loves her so much he can’t stand it.

How can it feel so terrible to finally get the one thing you’ve always wanted?

* * *

They can’t even go out to celebrate. 

This has to stay a secret if Rukia’s plan is going to work. 

Their friends hug them and wish them well and leave them standing together under the stars in front of the First Division. 

Rukia chews her bottom lip and twists her hands together.

Renji rubs the back of his neck. 

“I guess we should go back to the Thirteenth,” she says shyly.

Renji’s mouth goes dry. “Rukia. We don’t have to. It’s just political.”

She won’t look at him. “We do. Nobles care a lot about this sort of thing. They’ll say it’s not legal if it isn’t…y’know.”

“How would they know?” Renji looks horrified.

“There’s a kidou to tell.”

He feels sick to his stomach. 

Rukia is looking down, he can’t see her face. “Also...sooner or later, I’m going to need to produce an heir. No reason not to go for sooner.”

Oh. _ Oh_. She had said that. She had said she “needed to keep the line going.” It hadn’t sunk in at the time, exactly what she meant by that.

“I’m sorry,” she says from behind the curtain of her hair. “I should have been more clear. I didn’t mean to--”

He gets down on one knee so he can look up into her face. “Hey. I didn’t want to if you didn’t want to. But it’s, uh, no burden on my part. Just so y’know.”

A tiny smile creeps onto her face. “It’s no burden on my part, either.”

* * *

Rukia has barely moved in. Her quarters, which look a lot like his, are pretty spare. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to, since she’ll probably be moving to the captain’s quarters soon enough. He chews his lip as she shakes out the futon. He wonders if he can do this.

She steps up and cranes her neck to look at him, a sly look in her eye. “Maybe we should have done this at your place. You still keep that stepstool there for me?”

He smirks at her. “You think I woulda gotten rid of it?” He sits down on the sleeping mat, and pats the space between his outstretched legs. “C’mere.”

As she sinks to her knees, he grabs her shoulders and turns around so her back is facing him. He rubs his strong fingers into the knots in her shoulders. “We ain’t in any hurry, right? It’ll feel nicer if you can manage to relax a little.”

She looks at him over her shoulder, and he can’t read the emotion in her eyes. It might be gratitude, but it might just be indulgence of her dumb ol’ childhood friend. He reminds himself that this could be a lot worse for her. He’s trying to make this as painless as he can.

He can’t stop thinking about the last time this happened, about how different it was.

_It is three weeks ago._

_ Byakuya is neither alive nor dead. _

_They are in the Royal Realm and he lays in a hospital bed in the Coordinated Relief Station. He will never wake up, but they don’t know that. _

_And as long as Byakuya isn’t waking up, Rukia isn’t going to sleep. _

_Renji finds her out in the courtyard, training late into the night. Turns out he can’t sleep, either. The air is oppressive with heat and humidity as well as reishi, and Rukia leaves foggy afterimages of herself condensing the air behind her. _

_“You gotta stop this,” he says. “You need some rest.” There is so much reishi in the Royal Realm, it constantly renews you, gives you more energy, but you still need some rest, a chance to catch up. _

_“I’m close,” she snarls at him. “I will make her come out! I will make her fight me! You hear me, Sode no Shirayuki! I need bankai and I will _ take _ it from you!” _

_ “If she comes, you’ll be too tired to fight her,” he points out. He is tired, exhausted actually, after spending all day wrestling 500 pounds of pissed-off nue, but he knows how she feels. The way he feels his body drawing energy from around him, making him feel like he’s ready to go another round, even though logically, he knows he isn’t. _

_ “I’ll fight you, then!” Rukia shouts, swinging her blade at him. _

_ He catches her forearm and for a long moment, they stare into each other’s eyes, exhaustion and anger and frustration passing between them. And then, Rukia slings her other arm around his neck, pulls him down to her, and kisses him with the force of a bankai. _

_ And damn him, he hooks his arm around her waist and kisses her back. _

_ Her skin is cold, but it blooms into warmth wherever he touches her, and suddenly, he needs to touch her everywhere, needs to warm her up. _

_ Rukia manages to get her sword sheathed, and apparently, her next priority after that is undoing the sash of his hakama. If that’s the way it’s going to be, he slips one arm into her kosode and sweeps it around her back, untucking her top. He presses the fingers of one hand into the tight muscles of her lower back, while his other palm skims up her ribs. _

_ Slowly, reluctantly, she withdraws from the kiss, and Renji thinks the spell is broken, the moment of madness over as suddenly as it had come upon them. But instead, Rukia starts chanting the absurdly arcane kidou for preventing pregnancy, while shoving his hakama down around his ankles and he realizes that she absolutely intends to go through with this.  
_

_ He’s never told her that he loves her. He needs to, he’s desperate to, but he can’t. This isn’t about love, it’s about need. It's about driving fear away. She doesn’t need someone to love her, she needs someone to fuck her, and that’s what he’s gonna do. _

_ It’s over far too fast, and when he returns to himself, he’s lying on a stone-tiled courtyard in the dark July heat, with dirt in his hair and his pants still around his ankles. Rukia is splayed out on top of him, her chest rising and falling quietly. _

_ He can’t help it. He laughs, a deep, hearty chuckle. “Been a long time for you, too, I guess,” he manages. _

_ Rukia pushes herself up on her arms. “Fuck you.” _

_ “You just did.” _

_ She sneers at him. “Get up, get your clothes.” _

_ He leers at her. He feels less tired than he did before, and he’s done letting her boss him around. _

_ “Look, you ass,” she says, “We got a little carried away in the moment, and that’s fine. But I’m not done fucking you, and I’d rather do it on a futon than the ground, is that okay with you, you animal?” _

_ Renji hops to. _

_ He awakens the next morning, alone in her bed, to a shockwave of reiatsu pouring over him. _

_ Ichibe is standing in the courtyard mildly sipping a cup of tea when Renji stumbles outside, wearing only his hakama pants. _

_ The sun is bearing down, but the air is very, very cold. _

_ Out of all of this, the only thing he can think is that Rukia’s eyes are different when she is in bankai, hard and cold and very, very Kuchiki-like. _

_ “Well, I’m ready to go,” she shouts at him. “What’s the hold up, slacker?” _

_ The last thing he wants to do is keep her waiting. _

Things are different now. 

The probability cloud has collapsed.

Kuchiki Byakuya is dead. 

Rukia’s silk kosode slips down off her shoulders. She’s not wearing anything underneath it. Nothing to fight today, he supposes. 

Renji swallows thickly, and helps her pull it off. He continues to rub her back, but lets his hands wander over her ribs, his fingertips brushing the sides of her breasts.

She looks at him again, with half-lidded eyes. “You want a drink?”

He does, desperately. “Naw.” 

Everything is in the wrong order. Once again, the words are on his tongue. He needs to tell her, he needs her to know that she is his everything, that he loves her totally. 

But he can’t. He failed her brother and he failed her. There is no way to make that up, although he intends to spend the rest of his life trying. He is here to lighten her load, not to burden this marriage of convenience with a bunch of pathetic, unrequited confessions. 

So he lets her cover his mouth with her own, and shrugs out of his own clothes.

* * *

Renji waits for Rukia to fall asleep before he heads back to the Sixth.

It’s for propriety’s sake, he tells himself, and certainly not because he knows he can’t stand to lie sleepless beside her for hours, sunk in his own worthless thoughts.

Instead, he goes and sits in his office. He puts a bottle of sake on his desk and stares at it for a while, but doesn’t drink. 

Renji promises himself that when they don’t have to keep secrets anymore, he’ll take her out for a nice breakfast. He doesn’t like the way the bones in her wrists push through the skin or how easily he could feel her ribs when he ran his hands down her sides. 

He looks over at his captain’s desk. Brushes and inksticks and blank paper, all very neat, everything in straight lines. Renji wishes there was something personal about it. A dirty cup, a doodle on the blotter. But its very impersonality is its personality.

“I fucked your sister,” Renji informs the empty chair. 

It doesn’t make him feel any better. 

* * *

A firm hand on his shoulder wakes Renji in the morning.

He fell asleep at his desk. The sake is untouched.

“Good morning, Lieutenant,” a voice to match the hand informs him.

Renji sits up blearily. 

His Fourth Seat, Kuchiki Choei stands before them. Kuchiki takes the bottle of sake from his desk, and replaces it with a boxed-up breakfast from the mess. 

“There’s going to be a meeting today,” Kuchiki says. “At the Manor. They’ll invite you at the absolute last minute, hoping you show up a right mess.”

Choei is the least respectable Kuchiki that Renji has had the privilege of knowing. He’s a boozer and a partier and an excellent futsal player. He looks very serious now, though.

“Why are you telling me this?” Renji asks.

“Because they’re going to decide who’s going to be captain around here, and I want it to be you,” Kuchiki replies simply.

“Not your buddy, Ohno?” Renji chortles, referring to their stuck-up Third Seat, whom Kuchiki has always good-naturedly butted heads with. He realizes suddenly that he can’t remember the last time he’s seen Ohno.

“Don’t wanna die under an idiot,” Kuchiki replies dryly.

“Can't promise you won't with me,” Renji laughs.

“You’ve always done your best for us, sir,” Kuchiki returns.

Renji stares at his subordinate, standing straight-backed and serious. “Get rid of that sake for me, wouldja, Kuchiki? You can drink it yourself if you want, but it ain’t great.”

“I’ll take care of it, sir.”

Renji eats his breakfast.

* * *

The meeting is somehow simultaneously incredibly intense and incredibly boring. 

As Choei predicted, a nervous Kuchiki retainer showed up at the offices half an hour before it was to start. Renji, clean, shaved, and back in his dress blacks, accepts the invitation graciously, and strides into Kuchiki Manor twenty minutes later like he owns the place. He’s trying something new with his hair. He thought about trying to leave it down, like the captain always did, but he could never fight like that. He’s got it pulled back smoothly, folded into a neat bun, like a samurai. No bandana. Those Kuchiki are just going to have to deal with The Brows. 

He sits with Choei, and a group of people who are, apparently, his supporters. As Rukia noted, most of them are his current officers, but a few are veterans, the same iron-faced old men who bitched and moaned when he was hired. Renji is happy to have them.

Rukia sits at the front, in a hugely elaborate cobalt blue kimono. She looks tiny and overwhelmed while people bloviate around her.

The Sixth Division needs leadership!

That may be, but a Clan Head must be chosen first!

Rukia is a Kuchiki and qualified to be captain, it is her right and duty to lead the Sixth!

Rukia was adopted at the whim of a sentimental man, why in heaven should they grant her _ more _ than they have already so generously bestowed upon her?

Poor Rukia already must uphold the last thread of the main line, why burden her with Gotei captainship, as well?

And then one of the old battleaxes gets to say his piece.

Abarai Renji has served the Sixth with loyalty and dignity! He was Kuchiki Byakuya’s trusted man! He would hold the post with the honor and duty befitting a Kuchiki!

Renji is embarrassed by all this, but he holds his face firm and serious. He must look Captainly.

The head Ohno, the father of his Third Seat, takes the floor next. We have discussed this endlessly. Of course, we _ all _ respect Abarai and are grateful for his service, but the fact of the matter is, he is _ not _ a Kuchiki. He has no ties to the family. It’s simply insurmountable.

Rukia stands.

The facade of the lost and tired, grief-stricken sister is gone. This is the Kuchiki Rukia who slew the Quincy King, with a spine of steel and eyes of ice. Rukia is much better at looking Captainly than Renji is.

“Abarai Renji is an honorable man who has served our family loyally!” she barks. “It is a grave insult that you would invite him here and say that because he lacks familial ties, his heart is less true than any of ours. But if that is what it takes, _ here_.” She throws a piece of paper down on the table. “I married him last night. He has joined our family. He is a Kuchiki.”

At first there is silence. And then there is chaos. People are scrambling to look at the marriage certificate.

Choei guffaws. "You _ fucker_," he manages.

"It was Rukia's idea," Renji mumbles.

A few of the oldsters snort, and one of them actually _ smiles. _

“You were married under Gotei authority!” one of the angry people finally points out. “How can we accept him into our family, when you were married under a system designed to circumvent Clan power?” This is true. Any two shinigami can be married without the approval of their Houses. The Captain-Commander cannot deny them without significant cause. It is one of the checks and balances designed to prove that the Gotei is as powerful as any of the major Houses.

“I am the head of my branch,” Rukia points out. “I decide who joins the family.” There is muttering and arguing again, and Rukia whips out another document, a big, heavy scroll, and dumps it on the table before her. “But perhaps this will make you happy.”

It turns out it is an approval of betrothal and an acceptance of Renji as a son-by-marriage into the Kuchiki main line, signed by the man himself. It is nearly two years old, dated the day after Renji abandoned his post in order to accompany Rukia to Hueco Mundo. Byakuya apparently thought of everything. Renji is _ very _ embarrassed now. 

There is a lot of arguing and shouting, but the Ohnos and their allies have been hoist by their own petard.

Kuchiki Renji is to be captain of the Sixth.


	2. I’ll be buried here with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sex this chapter, it is identical to the regular version.
> 
> There is some typical Bleach-type violence (in fact, the one scene is a flashback from canon), but it is a bit on the gruesome side.

Everyone wants to keep using his old name, his squad, his friends, the other captains. No one wants two Captains Kuchiki, especially when neither one is the one that they are used to. Renji insists, though. He needs everyone to know that he didn’t do this as a ploy, as a loophole. If _ his family _ wants a Kuchiki leading the Sixth, then that’s what he’ll be.

The other Captain Kuchiki invites him over to the Thirteenth for lunch. At first, it feels like old times, except that there’s only Sentarou to greet him, since Kiyone has gone over to be lieutenant for her sister, and he misses the pleasant smile of Rukia’s old captain.

Also, it’s very strange, the two of them in haoris, with a whole new set of workday nuisances to gripe about. But this isn’t old times, he doesn’t just come over to shoot the shit anymore. 

“I’m going to buy us a house,” Rukia informs him.

“Uh, okay,” he agrees. He’s been in the process of cleaning out the unused, dusty captain’s quarters at the Sixth. He'd rather stay where he is, but he hopes to get a lieutenant eventually, and they'll need somewhere to live. He hasn’t been over to Rukia's quarters since the night of the wedding, he's not even sure which ones she lives in now. “I been working a lot of late nights, I don’t know how much--” 

“You don’t have to live there,” Rukia interrupts. “I mean, you should come by occasionally. Get some mail sent there. To be honest, I’ll probably be here most of the time, too. But the Ohnos are moving into the manor, and I want someplace to keep Byakuya’s family things. And we’re the main line, you know. We need to maintain a residence. I’ll probably do some entertaining.”

That sounds dreadful. “If you need me to show up, let me know.”

“Oh, I will.” She cocks her head. “You have any preferences?”

“Preferences?”

“What part of town? Something trendy down in the city center? Or would you rather be out on the outskirts, something bigger?”

“I, uh, don’t really… maybe close to work?” Renji suggests. “Actually, never mind. Pick what you like. Is this going to be expensive?” 

He can’t read the look on her face. “Brother left me a lot of money. A _ lot_.”

“Oh. Good.”

She’s quiet for a moment. “I should have mentioned that earlier. It’s yours, too, you know.”

His mouth opens and then closes. “I got a raise when I became captain. It was a big raise. I got all I need, really.”

“Sometimes it takes money to be rich,” she informs him. “Let me know if you need anything. More dress uniforms. New sunglasses. Fancier class of booze.” He has noticed that important people have started swinging by the office to talk to him, usually for reasons he can’t quite discern. It would probably make sense to keep some high-end liquor around, but he’s put a self-imposed ban on drinking during work hours. It hasn’t stopped him from getting drunk immediately upon getting home, but it’s something.

“I’m good,” he assures her.

* * *

“Well, you’ve had some life changes,” Kira observes.

“Yup,” Renji agrees, grimly. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding. It was--”

“Don’t bother,” Kira interrupts him. “I’m not much into weddings these days, anyway.”

Renji nods. 

“I’m sure a lot of people are congratulating you and shit, but just… all this sounds terrible. Are you okay, man?”

“Not really,” Renji replies. “Thanks for... noticing.”

Kira takes a long swig from the bottle and passes it back. “After my captain… left… I kept telling myself that at least I was too weak to get named captain in his place. It would have killed me. I don’t know how you’re doing it.”

“It’s killing me,” Renji admits.

“I don’t really imagine this is the way you wanted to marry Rukia, either.”

Renji replies coolly that he doesn’t recall ever telling Izuru that he had any interest marrying Rukia.

Kira looks at him out of the corner of his eye and grabs the sake bottle back.

* * *

Renji is short-handed. The Sixth was pretty lucky overall, they only lost about a dozen officers in the war. But after he was named captain, there was something of a mass exodus. Many of them apologized personally, but their families wanted them home, they said. He wishes they would have at least just transferred to other squads. He wouldn’t have taken it personally.

Third Seat Ohno didn’t offer any excuses at all when he quit.

In any case, all the squads are short-handed, there are no spare officers to be found.

He starts taking on a lot of work personally. 

The Quincy invasion of Hueco Mundo drove a lot of wild Hollows into the Dangai, and they’ve been popping up in inconvenient places.

And that’s how he finds himself saving one of his Living World field teams from a Hollow that turned out to be a pack of Hollows. He should have called in for a gentai kaijou. It’s actually really hard to use his new bankai with a power limiter, it takes so much of his reiatsu just to maintain it, let alone _ do _ anything with it. He vaguely remembers Hitsugaya complaining about this. 

Renji dodges a lashing tail and plunges his sword through yet another mask. How many of these things _ are _ there?

He keeps thinking how much fun this would be if all he had to do was play defense on these guys, holding them back while someone else picked them off with lazy, no-chant _ sokatsuis, _watching him do all the hard work with bored, half-lidded eyes.

Then the spike on the scorpion-like tail takes him through the chest.

* * *

He wakes up in the Coordinated Relief Station, blinking up at the lights.

“How did I get here?” he wonders. He has no lieutenant. There’s no one to save him when he falls.

“Apparently,” a dry voice replies, “you hacked the tail off that Hollow and kept fighting with its stinger through your heart. You managed to kill the rest of them with blood pouring out of you, and then you fell over. Your men, whose asses you saved, dragged you home.”

Slowly, he rolls his head to one side.

Rukia sits at his bedside. Her face is like whey and her eyes are puffy. She looks pissed.

“Good job me,” he croaks.

Something breaks behind her eyes. “You can’t do this to me, Renji.”

He rubs at his chest. It itches terribly. “I’m sorry. I know how hard it would be if you had to go and find a new captain for the Sixth. I’ll try to be more careful with myself.”

She slaps him and leaves.

He wonders what the hell he’s done.

* * *

Renji’s back in the office.

He sits at Byakuya’s desk now. He is not yet able to think of it as _ his _ desk. He just sits here.

A pile of paper lands in front of him with a _ plop_. It’s an Intent to Test for the Vice-Captains’ Examination. He looks up. Kuchiki Choei stands before him. “Sign it, please. Sir.”

Renji flips through it. “Sorry, Kuchiki. You aren’t ready. You won’t pass.”

Choei’s jaw tightens. "You need a lieutenant."

Renji thinks for a long minute, looking at the form. He remembers trying to make himself better, trying to make himself worthy to stand next to someone he admired and hated in turn. He remembers helping Rukia train for hers, as well. Not that she'd needed his help, except maybe a little on the confidence side. 

Kuchiki isn't very much like Renji or like Rukia, but he's here, and maybe for the first time in his life, he's serious about something. Renji has a hard time saying no to that.

“I’ll see you down at the West Training Field tomorrow at six am, okay?," he finally says firmly. "I think I can have you there in three months, if you’re willing to work at it. You’ve not traditionally been too keen on work.”

Kuchiki nods curtly. “I’ll be there.”

* * *

Renji likes the house.

It’s like Rukia has put her favorite parts of Byakuya there, and filled in the rest with herself. There is nothing here of Renji at all.

He likes it very much.

They have been Entertaining some elderly Kyourakus.

When she’s not at work at her Division, Rukia is at work on her Family. She’s making friends, building alliances, maintaining ties. Using twigs and pebbles to prop up an enormous dam that could break at any second. She doesn’t take him into her confidence and he doesn’t ask her to. He makes himself as presentable as possible, shows up, and charms old people for her. She seems appreciative of his efforts. 

The guests have departed, but Rukia lingers over her tea. “Can you stay for a few minutes?” she asks.

It’s August now, and it’s disgusting out. There’s work to do back at the office, there’s always work to do, but it’s a Sunday afternoon and Renji isn’t looking forward to the hot, sticky walk back. “Can I have another cup of tea?” he asks.

Rukia gives a little nod, and a servant refills his cup. He’s not positive, but he thinks Rukia has managed to steal a lot of Byakuya’s people for her house. He suspects it was mutually desired. “Could we have a little privacy, please?” Rukia asks, and the young woman nods and departs.

Rukia looks impossibly tired. He’s watched her eat, he knows she doesn’t hold back, but she still seems thin. The bags under her eyes are bigger than they used to be. She looks like she could really use a drink. She seems to be having trouble breaking the silence.

“What’s up?” he helps.

“Do you remember,” she says, her voice slow and measured. “When we first… got married… and we talked about, um, an heir?”

He squeezes his teacup. “Rukia, look at yourself. You’re working harder than five people. You can’t do this to yourself. It can wait until things are more settled. There’s plenty of--”

“Shut up,” she says. “It’s no longer a question. It’s...in progress, whether you’re ready or not.”

His jaw hangs slack, he nearly drops his teacup. He looks like a moron, he knows, but he can’t think of what to say. Renji’s not a lucky guy, ordinarily, but apparently, he’s gotten lucky this time and been spared the ordeal that he has been half dreading and half looking forward to. He’s not sure how he feels.

“There’s a… tiny timing problem,” Rukia admits, breaking his reverie.

Oh. Well. It’s not like he had any claim on her. “It’s not mine, you mean?” he asks.

Her face goes livid. “Of course it’s yours, you twit. Who else do you think I was screwing in the Royal Realm?”

He’s confused. “We used protection.” To be honest, Renji's pretty shocked they've managed this feat at all. It's rare for non-nobles to conceive, and it's very rare for active-duty shinigami, even noble ones. Something about your reishi being too tightly bound up in your zanpakutou.

Rukia makes a face. “Isane guesses that all the free-floating reishi in the Royal Realm makes it easier, to, um, conceive. The protection kidou isn’t really adequate. She isn’t positive because this is, um, kind of unusual.”

Renji stares into his tea, but it doesn’t have any answers, either. “So are we gonna have some sort of tiny Ichigo on our hands, or what?”

“I don’t know. We could.”

They are silent for a moment. 

Renji takes a big sip of tea and swallows it. “What can I do?”

“You don’t have to do anything. You’ve done it, actually. Thank you.”

He frowns at her. “I didn’t ask what I _ have _ to do. I asked what I _ can _ do. Take on some of your paperwork? Run squad drills for you? Rub your feet? Make you breakfast? For once in my shithole life, can I _ not _ be useless to you?”

Now Rukia’s the one who looks like a moron, her mouth hanging open, but no words coming out.

Despite the heat, he spends the rest of the afternoon shlepping his stuff across the Seireitei.

* * *

Oh, look at Mr. Moral High Ground, here. Finds out he’s gonna be a father, and moves in with someone and goes to bed sober all on the same fucking day. 

He has The Nightmare, of course. 

In the last few months, he has figured out exactly how drunk he needs to be when he goes to sleep to avoid it, so when he does have it, it is extra bad.

It’s never actually extra bad. It’s the same every time. It’s not even a nightmare, really, it’s just _ remembering. _ It’s _ what happened. _Every time is extra bad.

Sometimes, Rukia dies instead of Byakuya. Those are extra bad.

If you had to choose someone to fight a villain with Kuchiki Byakuya’s bankai, Abarai Renji would be a pretty good pick. He had studied Senbonzakura for forty years, he knew it as well as the man who wielded it. He had been cut by its blades so many times, he was actually starting to develop _ resistance _to it.

Except that Abarai Renji is a crummy little weakling who never managed to defeat Kuchiki Byakuya, and the one time it mattered, couldn’t manage to save him, either.

He never even got hit with As Nodt’s fear spikes. He can’t imagine how bad The Nightmare would be if he had. 

Byakuya falls to his knees.

Renji leaps at As Nodt. He is screaming, but in The Nightmare, he cannot hear himself. As Nodt blocks Zabimaru with his bare arm and summons the glittering slivers of Byakuya’s zanpakutou.

Something in Renji panics. It’s stupid. He’s been attacked by Senbonzakura before, he can handle this, he can stop As Nodt. And then, behind the Quincy, he sees his captain stumble to his feet, take a step forward, raise his sword. Byakuya is trying to _ save him_.

And then As Nodt turns, and a tsunami of petals engulfs Byakuya, shredding his flesh, tearing him to bits.

Renji is screaming, begging, he can hear himself now, stop, stop, stop, STOP. 

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. He’s the lieutenant and Byakuya is the captain and if someone’s gonna die, it’s supposed to be Renji. He’s supposed to protect his captain, even if it kills him. It's his duty. It's his _ right_.

Going into bankai is the stupidest thing he could possibly do, but it’s all he _ can _ do. He has to save Byakuya. If Byakuya dies, who will he compete with? If Byakuya dies, what will he strive toward? If Byakuya dies, how will he know when he’s good enough? If Byakuya dies, how will he know if he’s any good at all?

But he can’t go to bankai because a fist slams into him and he’s crashing through buildings and when he comes to a stop his spine is broken along with a lot of other things and he can’t move even though he’s desperate to. His body is shutting down, but his mind can’t. He has to save Byakuya. Dimly, as his awareness fades, he feels Rukia’s reiatsu plummet and there’s no one to save her because he can’t move and Byakuya… Byakuya… Byukuya is completely gone.

This is the part where, in real life, he mercifully lost consciousness before he went stark mad, but instead, The Nightmare dumps him back into wakefulness. Right on cue, he sits up in an unfamiliar room screaming and scrabbling for Zabimaru. There are strong hands on his shoulders, and suddenly, he’s pulled into a tight embrace, and someone is stroking his hair and making small shhing noises.

“It-- it-- it should have been me,” he sobs and hiccups into her chest. “Why wasn’t it me? I-- I-- I would give anything if I could die and he could be alive. Anything.”

“I know,” Rukia says, pressing her face into his hair. “I know.”

* * *

Renji spends a week working out all the details, with Rukia’s input, of course, before presenting a 30-page proposal with three appendixes to the Captain-Commander. The Sixth and the Thirteen will move into joint operations. Neither is at more than three-quarter staffing levels, they don’t have a vice-captain between them, and Rukia is restricted to desk duty, although that’s privileged information for now.

“The Third and the Ninth have been doing something similar, informally,” Kyouraku waffles. “But they are a little more… similar in personality. The Sixth and the Thirteenth…” He looks at the two captains who sit before him, who share a last name and a common goal. “We could give it a try, I suppose?”

Renji’s first order of business is roping Sentarou into joining Choei’s vice-captain training. 

"I'm not sure I'm cut out for it," he admits. 

"Too bad, Rukia needs you," Renji bullies him. "Sometimes, we all gotta do stuff we ain't cut out for."

Sentarou seems to be trying to revive his perpetual competition with Choei in the place of Kiyone, but Choei isn't interested. Or at least he doesn't care for the stakes.

"I don't want to make Captain Kuchiki her tea, you can just do it," he grumbles.

"She's my wife and we're sharing an office, I'll make her tea," Renji butts in.

Choei glances at Sentarou, who looks desperate, and over at his captain, whose tea is so infamously bad that the old Captain Kuchiki once killed a potted plant with it. "Maybe a little competition would be good."

* * *

At first, Renji pretends the servants don't exist, and tries to do things for himself the way he always has. He makes his own tea. He hauls his laundry down to the barracks. He does his own dishes.

Rukia finally pulls him aside. "I know you're trying to help, but you're actually being a tremendous bother. You have to think of the servants like a squad of very competent officers, with a barely adequate captain (that's me) and a useless vice-captain (that's you). There are some things they need us for-- making decisions, signing things, existing, but otherwise, just let them do their jobs and stay out of their way."

Something about this metaphor rings true with Renji. It is being called a useless vice-captain, actually, which both stabs him through the heart and spurs him to action. If Rukia is the captain of the house, he realizes, then she is doing far too much of the day-to-day management. 

At first, he becomes an even bigger pain in their ass than before, asking questions, trying to figure out how things are supposed to work. Finally, he just calls a meeting.

"I don't know how any of this shit goes," he announces, "and I know you do. All I'm tryin' to do is make Rukia's life as easy as possible. So, I know I'm making your lives harder in the short term, but I want you to come to me with stuff first. I'm doing my best to figure this out and you can all go ahead and treat me like an idiot and say snide things behind my back, I don't care."

As it turns out, the servants are charmed by this (mostly because they also love Rukia), and they very patiently start tutoring Renji in what is required in keeping a noble household running. He's pretty sure that much of this is traditionally the purview of the lady of the house, but that doesn't bother Renji. He's also pretty sure that Byakuya did all this himself.

Rukia surely notices--nothing ever escapes her notice--but she doesn't mention it. It's only when she starts casually dropping into conversation that she wants to have a bunch of muckety-mucks over for dinner next week to talk about funding for Shin'ou recruiting in the lower districts, could he take care of the details? that he knows he's starting to do a good job. 

* * *

  
Rukia thinks she is good at hiding her feelings, and perhaps she is good at hiding them from people who don't notice things that are beneath them. She is not very good at hiding them from Renji, however, who feels her grief flooding the house like water from a broken pipe.

He had told himself that he stayed away from her for her own sake. There was nothing he could do for her, he could only cause her more pain. 

But maybe he needed to stay away for himself, as well. When he moved in, the grief came up to his chest, cold and heavy and numbing his limbs. He thinks it is up to his shoulders now. 

He wonders if he is doing any good at all. It's possible he is, that it would be rising even faster if he weren't here.

It is rising, though. He can't ignore that. Soon, it will cover his mouth and nose, and with each breath, it will fill his lungs, and that will be the end for him.

* * *

He probably should have just cancelled, since drinking is no longer a thing that he does, but instead Renji shows up on the roof of the Sixth bearing a jar of pickled persimmons, which Rukia has been really into lately and he thinks Kira might like.

"This is not the same, Abarai," Kira informs him archly, but he keeps eating the persimmons anyway. "To be honest...I was starting to feel like maybe this," he gestures around them, "had run its course. I needed this. This was good for me. But now I'm tired of coming up here and stewing in my own depression like a, uh, pickle."

"Are you…feeling better?" Renji asks. _ He _ certainly doesn't feel any better.

"Not better. Just like I'm ready for some new stage of self-destructive behavior." 

This seems oddly specific, but Renji has known Izuru for a long time. "Who did you make out with?"

Izuru squirms. "Akon."

"Akon?!"

"Yeah, y'know, the new lieutenant at 12? He, uh, doesn’t mind the hole. He’s kinda into it, actually."

"I know who he is! I just, uh...never thought of him as boyfriend material?"

"He's not my boyfriend," Izuru snaps back. "He's just someone I make out with sometimes."

"So, more than once, then?"

Izuru stuffs a persimmon in his face and shoves the jar back at Renji.

* * *

Renji had to ask Rukia about the Edamuras. They were off the edge of the Kuchiki family tree he made when he first started at the Sixth. Seventh cousins, twice removed, Rukia says. Nevertheless, Edamura Yoshiyasu has asked to meet with him, and Renji feels that if he’s willing to meet up with the close family, he can stand to meet with the more rarefied ones as well.

Edamura’s a middle-aged man, balding, a bit nervous, who won’t quite look Renji in the eye. His kimono is much nicer than what Renji himself would have worn a few months ago, but it’s not the best grade of silk and is a few years out of fashion.

Renji tries to be friendly. “What can I do for you, Cousin?” he asks. Rukia says that’s the proper address. It only seems to make the man more nervous.

“Ah, ah, thank you for meeting with me, Captain Kuchiki,” he says. Well, at least he got that right. “It is about my daughter. Chihiru. She has just passed the entrance exam at Shinoureijutsuin.”

“Congratulations,” Renji replies automatically.

“Ah,” the man hums. “I was just wondering. About the Sixth Division.”

“Oh, are you worried about the reorganization? Because it’s temporary and its allowing us to maintain our standards of operations, it’s certainly not--”

“I was wondering was the policy of the Sixth Division was on accepting, er, family members,” Edamura interrupts.

“Oh,” Renji replies. “Well… to be honest, the former Captain Kuchiki and I had a bit of a disagreement about that. He guaranteed a position for family members, is probably what you were thinking of. I hadn’t really thought it out, to be honest, since it isn’t graduation season. I can promise that I’ll give a good look at any family member that wants to join the Sixth, but that’s because I’d give a good look at any recruit smart enough to want to join the Sixth. This is a place for hard workers with high standards.” Renji feels nervous. He should have talked this over with Rukia first, is he messing things up? This guy surely just wants a promised place for his kid. “But y’know, also, we’re family, so if she wants to come by sometime and see what bein’ in a squad is like, or wants some pointers on what to get good at, what are seventh cousins, twice removed for, amiright?”

Edamura takes this in. Very slowly, he says, “I’d heard that only close family members could become officers at the Sixth.”

Renji shrugs. “We all earn our own way at the Sixth. Also, as it happens, I’m running short of close family members.

Edamura thanks him for his time and Renji figures he’s boned this up, as usual.

Later on, Rukia gets ahold of the Academy rolls. There are half a dozen young Kuchiki relatives she expected to be enrolled who are not. They are close family, with strong spiritual abilities. The Gotei is so short-handed. It is aggravating. 

Renji breaths in through his nose. “After so many died in the war, can’t blame a family who’d rather keep their kids at home, though.”

Rukia taps a number of names she has highlighted in green. “They didn’t all, though.”

“What’re the green names?”

“Satellite family members. Distant branch families. Far cousins. There are two dozen names here. The high nobles are opting out and others are looking to move into the vacuum.”

Renji’s brow furrows. “Really?”

“Street kids aren’t the only ones who enter the Gotei to try and improve their station,” Rukia points out. 

Renji skims over the green names. Sure enough, there she is, Edamura Chihiro.

Maybe he’s managed to do something right after all.

* * *

Here he is again.

Byakuya falls to his knees.

Renji leaps at As Nodt. 

As As Nodt begins to attack and Renji sees Byakuya struggle to his feet, he hears some calling his name.

"Renji! Renji, wake up!"

He is awake, in the dark, bathed in sweat, shivering. Rukia kneels by his side, shaking him.

"I'm awake, I'm awake," he mumbles. "What's-- what's wrong? Are you okay?" He's having trouble switching gears, but Rukia wouldn't wake him in the night for no reason.

"You were having that nightmare again," she replies. "I know you're not supposed to wake people up when they're in the middle of a nightmare, but you always wake yourself up at the worst part anyway and I thought it would be better...to…" she trails off. "Pardon me, for coming into your room."

"Thank you," he says, softly. "How did you know?"

"You've had it a few times now. Your reiatsu goes through the same pattern of spikes."

He feels terrible. "I woke you up."

"Hmm?" she says. "Oh, no. No, you didn't. I was up. I… don't sleep much. These days."

There is a long silence.

"You probably want to go back to sleep," Rukia finally says.

Renji rubs his hands over his face. "Rukia. I… I can't have you in my bed. I thrash a lot, violently sometimes and I wouldn't wanna…"

"I understand."

He closes his eyes and swallows. "But if you wanna drag your futon in here, I don't mind. Or I can drag it in here, you don't need to be doin' stuff like that. If it would help, I mean. I don't know why you would want to sleep in here with a sweaty guy who screams a lot--"

"I would like that, thank you," she interrupts him.

* * *

They have settled into a rhythm.

It's not a great one. 

Rukia can fall asleep as long as she has Renji in the room with her. She sleeps very lightly, and wakes if he starts to have a nightmare. She wakes him up, and then goes back to sleep herself. He eventually falls back asleep, and the cycle begins anew. Some nights they go three or four rounds of this.

It is still, apparently, more sleep than Rukia got previously.

And Rukia becomes very good at sensing the nightmare before it really gets going.

It's not great.

But it's better than it was.

* * *

Rukia was hoping to wait until twelve weeks or maybe even later before telling anyone, but whether due to the circumstances of their conception, or because their parents are captain-class shinigami, or maybe because their parents are just plain _ loud_, the Heir turns out to be a little hard to keep under wraps.

Hitsugaya corners Renji after a captain’s meeting. 

“Has Rukia fought any Hollows, lately?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Any missions at all?”

“Naw, we’ve been on a lot of clean-up duty. Why?”

“I wonder if it could be an after-effect from Yhwach…”

“What are you on about?” Renji frowns. 

Toushirou pins him with those bright eyes of his. “There’s something off with her reiatsu. Have you noticed it? Maybe not, maybe you’re too close to her. It’s like a doubling, an interference. Sometimes Hollows can possess souls-- the one that killed Shiba Kaien, for example, and I was thinking--”

Hitsugaya keeps talking and Renji lets him for a while. There isn’t really much of a chance to get a word in edgewise. “--tricking her into going over to the Fourth for an exam, and--”

Renji has let this poor man go on long enough. “She was at the Fourth yesterday.”

Hitsugaya blinks. “She was?”

“Yeah, for a check-up. Because she’s pregnant.”

Hitsugaya’s mouth opens up and then closes again.

“I guess she’s gonna switch over to some kinda special baby doctor at some point, but we haven’t made it public yet, and Lieutenant Kotetsu and Hanatarou are both real fond of her, y’know, even if this stuff ain’t their speciality.” He raises one eyebrow. “You’re pretty discreet, though, you can keep this under wraps until she makes an announcement, right?”

Hitsugaya’s face is very, very pink at this point. Finally, he says, “I cannot imagine any possible scenario in which I would tell this to anyone.”

“Good man,” Renji agrees. 

* * *

This is supremely awkward.

Rukia says she refuses to issue any fucking press releases about the state of her womb until she’s told Orihime, and they are running out of time.

And apparently, she wants to tell the boys, as well.

Renji’s presence is supposedly required for all this. He doesn’t want to come, mostly because he and Ichigo didn’t part on very good terms, but as Rukia points out, they’re not going to get on better terms by ignoring each other.

So, here they sit, in Orihime’s apartment. 

Orihime and Rukia have been exchanging some sort of unspoken girl telepathy, and Renji’s pretty sure Orihime is now up to date on everything that has happened over the last few months.

They are wearing civilian clothes, because no one knows they’ve made captain either, and they didn’t want to just waltz in wearing haoris, although Renji thinks that might have been kinda fun. All of Renji’s civilian clothes are _ nice _ now, and Orihime compliments him when they arrive, and then _ Chad _ compliments him and then fucking _ Ichigo _ compliments him, and really, were his old clothes all that bad?

Uryuu is running late, for some damn reason, but Rukia wants to tell everyone at once, so they’re all just here, _ waiting_. 

“Glad to see you’ve finally decided to come out of your office, asshole,” Ichigo grumbles at him. 

Orihime starts to scold him, but to be honest, Renji is feeling rather cantankerous himself.

“That’s Captain Asshole to you,” he returns. 

Chad blinks in surprise.

Rukia jabs him in the ribs. “Renji!” 

“Sorry, that should be Captain Kuchiki, I mean. I guess we’re real big on propriety these days.”

Orihime cocks her head to one side.

Rukia jabs him again.

Ichigo scowls. “Wait, which one of you made captain?”

“She did,” Renji says, at the same time Rukia says, “He did.” They look at each other. “We both did.”

“I was _ trying _ to wait for Uryuu,” Rukia scowls. 

“He’s on his way,” Orihime checks her texts for the thousandth time.

“He’s late, he misses the news,” Ichigo announces. “Congratulations. It’s about time they let the two best people in Soul Society be captains.”

“That wasn’t the news,” Renji corrects him.

“Oh,” says Ichigo.

“Congratulations, anyway,” offers Chad.

“It’s just a lot of work,” Rukia pooh-poohs. 

“They gave you the Thirteenth, right?” Ichigo confirms. “And Renji the Sixth?”

“That’s how it fell out, yeah.”

Ichigo rolls his shoulders. “Good. I worried there would be some dumb Kuchiki bullshit and they would make Rukia take the Sixth. I can’t imagine how painful that would be, havin’ to run the Sixth and have everyone call you ‘Captain Kuchiki.’”

“Ichigo, think before you speak,” Orihime hisses. 

“Yeah, it kinda blows,” Renji admits.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rukia throws up her hands. “There was a_ ton _ of Kuchiki bullshit and we got married and we’re both Captain Kuchiki now and it’s very, very stupid." She wheels on Renji. "Are you happy now, Mr. Surprise-Ruiner?”

Everyone stares at her.

“I haven’t actually ruined the surprise,” Renji points out.

A wheezing noise comes out of Orihime. “I...am...so…happy!” she squeaks. “Oh, Rukia, I am so, so happy for you!” She has grabbed Rukia’s hand and is squeezing it and pumping it up and down. 

Chad’s eyes are darting back and forth between Rukia and Renji.

Ichigo is squinting at them. “How… how exactly did all this go down?”

Orihime is nodding eagerly.

Rukia opens her mouth and closes it again. It’s okay, because Renji has this. Renji has always been a good storyteller, and it’s been awhile since he’s had a good audience. He tells the kids about passing the captain’s exam and Rukia’s plan and the secret wedding. He emphasizes Rukia’s cleverness and her showmanship and the faces the Ohnos made when they realized how badly they played themselves. A pretty good yarn, if he says so himself. Rukia looks pleased, if a little sad. The kids’ faces are...unreadable.

There is a long silence.

“I thought…” Orihime says, her voice tiny. “I think we all thought… that you… and you… that…”

She can't seem to get the thought out, and Renji can't figure out what she's getting at, and if Rukia does, she pretends not to.

Ichigo comes to her rescue. “So, keep in mind who is sayin’ this… but that wasn’t very romantic.”

Renji starts to reply, but Rukia cuts him off.

“So what? I know you’ve never been able to understand this, Ichigo, but I have duties and responsibilities to my family. Renji was a really good friend to do this for me and I’d appreciate it if you would stop giving him shit for everything all the time, do you hear me?”

“I wasn’t--” Ichigo starts.

“You don’t know what it cost him to do this, and he’s been a huge help and I would be lost without him.” Her voice is cracking. 

Renji is speechless. They are all speechless.

“Are you... happy?” Chad finally asks.

Rukia studies the table. “None of this has been easy. It’s too much to untangle, whether I am happy or not.”

“It’s certainly better than _ not _ being married to Rukia,” Renji blurts out. 

Rukia looks up at him, disbelieving. “Do you mean that?” she asks, her voice even tinier than Orihime's.

Renji crosses his arms over his chest. “It was total _ shit _ before. But we’re doing okay, I think. All things considered.”

The kids are staring at them, mouths agape. 

There’s a noise in the entry, and Uryuu steps into the apartment. His head is cocked at an angle and he’s squinting. “Kuchiki," he says, "are you _ pregnant_?”

Renji smiles smugly. "There," he says. "_Now _ the surprise is ruined."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No (graphic) sex again this chapter, so it's identical to the baseline version.

They have been back in Kuchiki Manor for approximately one second before they both want to get out of there immediately.

“Ah, if it isn’t the Main Line,” Ohno Itsurou, the 29th Head of the Kuchiki family, greets them. Ohno Junior, Renji’s old third seat, trails him, a sour look on his face, but that’s nothing new. “Welcome, welcome, we’re so pleased to have you.”

“We have business to discuss,” Rukia says coolly. 

“You wouldn’t rather have dinner first?” Ohno suggests.

“No,” Rukia replies.

“Isao, why don’t you entertain our honored Captain of the Sixth Division while Lady Rukia and I take care of a few things.”

“Of course, Father,” Ohno Junior agrees.

They stand awkwardly as the Clan Head leads Lady Rukia off to his office. Renji wonders how long the man had to stare at Byakuya’s personal desk before he could stand to sit behind it. Somewhat less than eight weeks, he’d hazard.

“Would you like to take a walk in the garden?” Isao offers awkwardly. “It’s lovely right now.”

“Sure,” Renji agrees. 

It _ is _ nice out in the garden. It was about this time of year the first time Renji ever came here. He remembers sitting out on the engawa, talking with Rukia, the first time he’d sat and talked to her in forty years, not counting jail-side chats and hair-raising rescues.

“How, ah, how is everyone?” Ohno asks.

“Lotta people quit,” Renji shrugs. “It’ll be awhile before we’re back at strength. We’re tighter knit now, even though we’ve combined some of our operations with the 13th.”

Ohno’s jaw twitches. “I heard… I heard you got hurt.”

Oh. There’s a lot to unpack there.

By all rights, Ohno ought to be Renji’s vice captain now. Which means that he should have been leading that field mission. Which might mean that he would have been the one watching Renji’s back. Or it might mean that Ohno would have been the one with a Hollow tail in his heart, and he hasn’t Renji’s knack for surviving horrific wounds. Furthermore, if Rukia hadn’t outsmarted ‘em, Ohno might well be the captain of the Sixth now, which means that he either would have lost an entire field team or he would have been killed in this scenario, too. Or maybe, just maybe, Renji would have stuck around, stupidly overpowered for a vice-captain, embarrassing Ohno at every turn with his very presence. 

Renji tries to deflate some of the tension with one of his big stupid laughs. “Eh, you know me, I’m pretty hard to kill.”

He has deflated nothing. There is pain and guilt written all over Ohno’s face. “Why don’t you have a vice-captain?” he asks quietly.

“None to be had,” Renji admits. “Choei’s workin’ real hard, though. He’s signed up to take the test in October, and I think he’s gonna do it.”

“Oh,” Ohno says softly. “Choei? Really?”

Renji nods. “Been working his ass off, it’s unbelievable.”

Ohno nods, almost imperceptibly.

Ohno is a pompous ass, and he always made Renji’s life harder than it needed to be, but he was a decent officer and a good man with a sword. “You still keeping up with your zanjutsu?” Renji asks casually.

“Uh, not as much, obviously, but I try to keep a hand in.”

Renji nods. “Anytime you want a workout, c’mon down to the Sixth, y’know, we’d be happy to see you.”

There is a long silence. “I believe you would be, Captain Abarai, but I’m not sure about everyone else.”

“I go by Captain Kuchiki now,” Renji reminds him mildly. “Or, y’know, I could come by for a spar. Since we’re, ah, family now.”

Ohno stares at him for a long moment. He opens his mouth and starts to say something when Rukia and Ohno Senior appear in the doorway, wearing stormy expressions. “Oi, Renji,” Rukia shouts, sounding a lot more like an Inuzuri punk than a noblewoman. “We’re going.”

“We are?” Renji asks. “I thought we were staying for dinner.”

“Change of plans,” Rukia side-eyes Ohno Senior, who is gritting his teeth.

Renji has to trot to keep up with Rukia as she storms down the front drive. “What the hell happened?”

“You want ramen?” Rukia asks. “I could really go for some really, really spicy ramen right now.”

“Okay,” Renji agrees. “Let’s go get ramen.”

* * *

Rukia’s face is bright red and there is practically steam coming out of her ears.

Renji is trying to be sympathetic to her anger, although she hasn’t yet been able to calm down enough to tell him what it was Ohno said to her. But he was already feeling nostalgic from his walk through the Kuchiki gardens, and now, here they are, at the shitty ramen place he took her to that late summer day two years ago. She’s eating the same horrifying “Atomic Ramen” she got then and Renji knows this is going to end with her picture on the Wall of Flame _ again_. He can’t even eat his own dinner, all he can do is watch her and be in love with her, and wish he had _ told _ her sometime before all this went down the shitter.

Rukia lets out a scream, whether from frustration or from spice is unknowable. She takes a big swig of tea and slams the glass down on the table. The waiter looks over, vaguely concerned, and Renji waves him away. 

“You ready to talk about it, yet?” he asks mildly.

Rukia’s nostrils flare. “He wants us to abdicate.”

Renji frowns. “Of course he does. We’re not gonna." Rukia is a little taken aback at his vehemence. Renji shows up for Kuchiki stuff, sure, but he's never really _ cared _ about it much. But this is different. They've insulted Rukia and he cares very much about that. "What bullshit reason did he give for why we should?”

Rukia’s lip curls. “On account of us being gutter trash and that he only allows us to call ourselves the Kuchiki main line out of some sort of vestigial respect for Brother.”

“Mmm,” Renji nods. 

“He says he won’t make an announcement. He won’t acknowledge our baby as an Heir to main line.” She sips some of the broth that’s left in her bowl.

Renji stirs his ramen. “Your problem, Kuchiki Rukia,” he says, his voice cool and measured, “is that it’s been too long since someone treated you like a piece of dogshit.”

Rukia’s bowl slams down on the table, her eyes have gone wide with shock. “What did you just say to me?”

Renji takes a bite and chews it slowly before answering. “When we were kids, no one _acknowledged_ us. No one _gave_ _us_ anything. You didn’t even have a family name for ten years. We fought and we stole and we lived for ourselves.”

“It’s not about _ us_,” Rukia replies. “It’s an insult to Brother! To his whole line!”

Renji leans forward. “Your brother spent two years telling me I worthless and useless and I would never amount to anything. And did I get mad about it?”

“Um, yes?”

“That is correct. And I lifted every day and I trained like hell and I studied all his moves and I fought him and lost and fought him and lost and fought him and lost. And maybe he never said anything, but he never fired me either, and in the end, he left me his Squad and he wrote the Captain Commander a really fucking embarrassing recommendation letter about me. And so, I kinda feel like he felt like this might happen and that a big part of why he mighta picked us to do this is because he knew that we’re not the type of people who are just gonna sit back and let ourselves get walked over.”

“What are we going to do, then?” Rukia demands grumpily.

“Well, what’s the issue, here? I mean, the actual issue is that Ohno wants to keep runnin' the clan, and we're a threat to that. But the _ excuse _ he's givin' is that he thinks we aren’t fit to produce a Kuchiki Heir, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, what makes a Kuchiki Heir? I mean, there’s table manners and fancy clothes and the right accent, but you’ve got half the old Kuchiki Manor staff working for us now, they can help us get that shit figured out. So what’s the rest? Spiritual pressure?” Renji crosses his arms over his chest. “This is _ our kid_, Rukia. They’re gonna be a _ monster_. And we’re gonna teach them everything we know and Ichigo’s gonna teach them everything _ he _knows and we’ll make ‘em do a few years in Squad 11 to get tough and there isn’t gonna be a Kuchiki alive that can touch ‘em. And you know who’s gonna look like an idiot? Ohno fuckin’ Itsurou, that’s who.”

Rukia looks like maybe the heartburn is taking over. Her hand is shaking a little bit as she grabs her bowl and finishes her broth. Her eyes are watering.

Renji thinks for a moment. “Also, there are Kuchikis that like you better than Ohno, right?”

“A few.”

“And there are Kuchikis that just plain don’t like Ohno, right?”

“Oh, for sure.”

“And there are Kuchikis that don’t really _ like _ us, but they think we should be respected as the main line, right?”

“Yes, there are quite a few of those. What are you getting at?”

“Just that…I think you’re not the only one who would consider this a real dick move.”

Rukia nods slowly. “You’re right.”

“So,” says Renji. “Here’s what I think we should do.”

* * *

They announce it themselves, is what they do.

They hold a big party at the Sixth Division and invite every Kuchiki and Kuchiki-adjacent person Rukia can think of, along with all of Squads 6 and 13, and the entire lieutenant and captain class of the Gotei for good measure.

The turnout among the actual Kuchiki family members isn’t great, but Rukia says it is good enough and the additional invitees make it less obvious. Rukia takes care of the actual announcing, Renji just needs to stand next to her and “look tall.” He’s not sure what that has to do with anything, but he does his best.

This should be happening at Kuchiki Manor and Ohno should be doing the announcing, but you would never guess that by how smoothly Rukia handles all this. Renji has no idea how anyone would react if this were done correctly. Probably everyone would clap softly or drink tea or something. Surely, it would not involve Matsumoto coming out of nowhere and screeching and trying to hug them both at once. Surely, it would not involve Sentarou and Choei getting into a loud argument over which Squad would be protecting the baby with their lives. Surely, it would not involve so many people slapping him on the back and pumping his hand up and down and congratulating him. These enthusiastic, inappropriate reactions are perfect, actually, because they are masking whatever reactions the actual Kuchiki are having. There is no stunned silence or scandalized gasps. These fancy bastards are each going to have to come to their own conclusions about what this means to them.

And suddenly, it occurs to Renji like a punch to the back of the head that he doesn’t really know what this means to _ him. _ He has yet to take a single moment to think about how he _ feels _ about all of this. The baby is a thing that is happening. It is mostly happening to Rukia, and he needs to make sure she has everything she needs. It is happening because it must, because Byakuya’s line must go on. 

That’s not true, though, not quite. 

It would still be happening if Byakuya had lived.

It happened because in a flood of fear and loneliness and rage, he and Rukia chose to grab on to each other instead of letting themselves be swept away.

Is that what they are doing now? He isn’t sure. 

Without thinking, he finds himself reaching out and grabbing her hand. She’s talking to a cousin, a woman that Renji knows she has a good relationship with, but her eyes shift over to him, curious.

He offers her a small smile. He doesn’t know how to feel.

She gives his hand a small squeeze, and turns back to her socializing.

Ohno is absolutely correct. He is gutter trash, the worst of the worst. He has absolutely no business calling himself a Kuchiki, captaining Squad 6, being married to Rukia.

And he is going to spend the next however many years trying to make his own child into the Kuchiki Clan Head and Captain of Squad 6.

He doesn’t know how to feel.

* * *

They are home again, unwinding from the evening's excitement. Rukia's feet are propped up on Renji's lap, and he rubs them gently as she sips at a cup of ginger tea for her stomach.

"How do you think it went?" he asks.

"Well, it will be a while before we get the full extent of the fall-out," she says, "but this part went well. It was a well-thrown grenade. We got most of the relatives I expected, and one or two I didn't. I didn't see anyone leave in a huff, did you?"

Renji shakes his head. "Uncle Satoshi gave me an entire lecture on parenthood." Uncle Satoshi had been the 3rd Seat of Squad 6 about a hundred thousand years ago, and while he generally caucused with the other vets, Renji isn't sure the man had ever said more than three words to him before.

"Uncle Satoshi is very fond of you," Rukia informs him. 

Renji isn't sure he believes her.

"Hey, Rukia?"

"Mmm?" she asks, sipping her tea.

"Look, you're probably going to think I'm an idiot for saying this, but there's something that hadn't really occurred to me before tonight."

"Go ahead, you don't need to worry about it changing my opinion of you."

Renji smirks. It is such a classic Rukia thing to say-- a Rukia-of-last-year thing to say, in any case. He misses Rukia-of-last-year. Come to think of it, he rather misses Renji-of-last-year, too.

"If the Captain had pulled through…" Renji starts slowly. "If he'd been awake when we got back from the Royal Realm… we'd still be having this baby."

"Mm-hmm," Rukia agrees, indulging him.

"I mean, it wouldn't be the Heir, but--"

"What makes you say that?"

Renji blinks. "Well. I mean. Er. You don't think your brother woulda been mad? Like, murder-his-lieutentant mad?"

Rukia smiles sadly into her tea. "For nobles, having a baby eight months after a wedding isn't the scandal you'd think. The pride of being able to conceive overrides the shame of the indiscretion."

Renji rolls his eyes. "Like they all aren't boning each other constantly."

Rukia laughs. "Truly. Children are very rare and very prized among the Great Families. I don't know the full story, but I do know Brother would have liked to have children with my sister. Don't get me wrong-- he would have given you shit like you couldn't possibly imagine-- maybe me too-- and then he would have made you marry me, and then he would have thrown a beautiful party at the Manor and told everyone himself that the main line was expecting an heir. And he would have _ destroyed _ anyone who said our baby wasn't good enough to be a Kuchiki."

Renji thinks about this for a long moment, rolling the idea around in his head. It's hard to picture. Slowly, he says, "He wouldn't have had to make me marry you. I woulda done what was right." He pauses. "Meanin' I woulda married you if you wanted me to and not otherwise."

Rukia swallows. She is still staring at her tea. "I know. You're pretty transparent, you know."

He snorts, because she's right.

Rukia does not go on to say what she would have done in this scenario, or how she would have felt. 

Renji can picture an alternate universe where the circumstances were not ideal, but they are together and they are happy, where he tells her he loves her a hundred times a day and he's overjoyed at the prospect of raising a family with his very favorite person in the world.

He can just as easily picture a universe where she's angry at him and hates his guts and hasn't spoken to him in weeks. Maybe she never will again. Captain Kuchiki hates his guts too, but at least in this universe, the captain isn't dead.

It would be nice to say that at least he doesn't have to live in that second universe, that at least _ this _ is better than _ that _ , but he _ is _ transparent, and he knows he would take that trade in a hot second.

He continues to rub Rukia's feet and tries not to think about it.

* * *

The important Kuchikis get together a lot to talk over each other. Rukia attends these hellish conclaves, and she lets Renji know when there are to be topics relevant to Squad 6 so that he can attend, as well.

He's not sure what the point is. He never knows what's going on. He will often give a detailed explanation of why the Division follows a certain procedure, or whether he thinks someone's idea is workable, but no one ever seems to listen to him. Rukia says he's doing okay, so he keeps at it.

These meetings have gotten pretty awkward since the Big Announcement. There have been no major boilovers, no revolutions, but there are Splits and Factions and Opinions. Ohno is pissed as hell, and trying to figure out ways to get back at Rukia. Whenever she has a suggestion or voices an opinion, someone is ready to interrupt her, shoot her down. Renji thinks they should both stop going, but Rukia says that’s the whole point, that’s what Ohno wants.

So here they are, once again. A Gotou uncle is presenting this idea for a business venture that is a little bit shady, but stands to make that side of the family a hefty amount of coin.

Renji has heard this idea before.

Seventh Seat Gotou tried to bounce it off Byakuya once, and got torn a new one for it.

This has absolutely fuck-all to do with Squad 6, but its not like relevance or expertise has ever stopped any of these assholes from talking over him before.

"Doesn't this violate the Mutual Herbacology Tariff Exclusion of 1445?" he grumbles, very loudly and very rudely.

Every eye in the room swivels towards him, but he's just picking some dirt out from under his fingernails.

"No one cares about the Mutual Herbacology Tariff Exclusion of 1445," Uncle Gotou snaps.

"They don't now," Renji says lazily. "But once you start taking over market share, people are gonna start looking for ways to knock you back down. I'm just a dumbfuck from Rukongai, and I figured it out, you think the Suzuharas’ lawyers aren't gonna?"

They are halfway home, when Rukia starts laughing. At first, it’s just a little snort through her nose, and then she's doubled over, clutching her side, tears running down her face.

"What's so funny?" Renji demands.

"His-- his face," Rukia wheezes. "When you started talking about that dusty old trade regulation."

"Aw, leave me alone," Renji groans. "It was just something I heard your brother say once."

"It was _ perfect_," Rukia sighs, wiping her eyes. "Oh, he would have loved that." She swallows, trying to compose herself. "And you know I don't like it when you say bad things about yourself, but when you called yourself a dumbfuck after pointing out something no one else in the room had even considered…" She's doubled over again.

Renji is bemused by Rukia's appraisal of his skill at Hoighty-Toighty Sick Burns, until they get home, at which point she hauls him upstairs and screws him senseless.

He starts attending family meetings regularly after that.

* * *

He's back in The Nightmare, but apparently, As Nodt couldn't be assed to show up today.

Renji is here, though, gripping a busted Zabimaru with white knuckles.

The rubble is here, along with the bodies of the men he was too late to protect.

And Byakuya is here. 

"Hey, Captain," Renji says softly.

Byakuya looks terrible, to be honest, his clothing shredded and soaked with his own blood, his face a mess of cuts, hair hopelessly tangled. But, although Byakuya prefers to be put together, he's not going to let a little dishevelment interfere with his noble bearing.

"Why do you keep _ coming _ here, Lieutenant?" he demands. "As Nodt is dead. Rukia has avenged me. Nothing remains for you."

"You're here, sir," Renji explains.

"I am dead," Byakuya snaps. "I no longer have need of your services."

"But you asked me to look after Squad 6, to look after Rukia."

"I asked you to look after these things, Lieutenant, because I know that you hold them in your heart as I held them in mine. But you cannot even look after yourself, you useless clod! Your zanpakutou is broken, the division grows weak, and worst of all, my sister _ pines _ after you."

"That's not my fault, I've never done anything to--"

"That is correct, you foolish ox! You have done _ nothing _ to make yourself worthy of her affection, and yet she has given it to you anyway! And you have had the utter heartlessness to turn your eyes aside, rather than to do the honorable thing and make yourself worthy of her!"

"But I failed."

"It is hardly the first time. Pick yourself up again. That's something you used to excel at."

"But you're not here anymore, Captain. How can I know…?"

"You cannot. You must decide for yourself." Byakuya's face softens behind the mask of dried blood. "It is not an easy thing, to be a keeper of your own worth. You know as well as anyone that I struggled with it myself. But you are a captain now, Renji, and a husband. A father, before long. This is something you must learn."

Renji swallows.

"Get out of here, Renji, I do not wish to speak of this again."

And then Renji lies in the darkness of his own bedroom. Rukia is curled up against his back. She has not woken up. Renji rolls over, inching his chin onto the top of her head, and resting his hand comfortably on the warm curve of her stomach. He can't get back to sleep, so he lies awake and makes plans.

* * *

It's been hard to enter his inner world lately. Zabimaru doesn't want him there.

It's 5:30 in the morning and the servants look at Renji a little funny as he goes out to sit in the back garden on one of those dumb little decorative benches with his sword balanced on his knees. Are the servants not used to Captain Kuchiki Renji getting up at the asscrack of dawn and getting to fucking _ work_? Well, that's gonna change, starting today.

He doesn't care what Zabimaru wants, he forces his way into his inner world. 

Is it different here than it once was? Has the thundering waterfall dwindled to barely a stream? Is the tropical foliage spotted with disease and mold?

Renji doesn't notice, because he only has eyes for the beast that guards this realm.

"Get out of here, you weakling!" Zabimaru bellows at him with both mouths at once.

Renji breaks into a run. He leaps at his nue, snatching the snaketail in one fist, just below its head, and hooking his other elbow around the baboon neck. "Piss! Off!" he howls.

And Zabimaru howls in response.

* * *

Rukia is sleepily eating her breakfast when he strides into the dining room an hour later. He puts his sheathed zanpakuto on the table and presses a kiss into her temple before sitting down for his own meal.

She looks startled, then pleased, then teasingly says, "Don't we have any rules about swords at the breakfast table?"

"Not that I know of," Renji replies. "Don't see any reason to start now."

"You're chipper for someone who woke up pretty early."

"Been giving Zabimaru the business," Renji replied, accepting a bowl of rice from a servant.

"Did you win?"

"I did, they've been slacking." He takes a big bite of rice. "So have I."

"You…have?" Rukia asks, slightly incredulous.

"Mmm. I'm trying to remember who my second favorite person to fight is, after you."

"Ichigo, probably," Rukia suggests.

"Yeah, but Squad 12's not gonna give me a gentai kaijo, no matter how much Ichigo deserves an asskicking and he's not gonna come all the way out here just to fight me."

"He might."

Renji would actually rather like to fight the kid, but he’s not ready to talk to Ichigo again, not yet. But maybe soon. That’s a change, a good one.

And there are plenty of people to fight right here in Soul Society.

Renji has a few ideas.

* * *

For the next few weeks, Renji fights anyone who will fight him.

At first, it is the poor 3rd Seats, until then they beg off saying that they are never going to pass their exam if he keeps pasting them first thing every morning.

Then, he works his way through his old friends, many of whom he hasn’t talked to in a few months. He’s giving Iba a little post-fight ribbing, when his old squadmate points out that maybe he should start picking on someone in his own weight class.

Hitsugaya is game. Renji beats the snot out of him.

This is a good time for Renji. He sleeps deeply, dreaming the dreams of his youth. They are Zabimaru dreams, crouching in underbrush, running through jungles, killing things and eating them raw. He worries that he might thrash or toss in his sleep but Rukia claims the most he does is grind his teeth. They never discussed it, but she shares his bed now. He’s not sure she sleeps better for it, but she is often sick these days, so perhaps it is as well as can be expected. Pregnancy has also made Rukia frequently horny, and Renji finds he is happy to oblige her. They never discussed that, either.

All of this is too good to last.

It comes to a head on a day in the middle of September, when Rukia slams through the Coordinated Relief Station, with the nurses she hasn’t knocked out begging her to calm down so her reiatsu doesn’t harm any of the patients.

Renji has been joking around with Captains Kotetsu and Zaraki when Rukia bursts into the room. “I told you to be careful! I _ told you_!” she is shouting, and there are tears in her eyes.

Renji blinks at her.

Rukia looks at him. 

He is standing on his own two feet, a small bandage taped over one eyebrow, holding a bag of ice on his knuckles. 

Rukia’s eyes slide over him, to Zaraki, who is sitting on the examination table, having his ear reattached by Captain Kotetsu.

Renji isn’t sure what to do. “Rukia?” he says.

Her hands are shaking. 

“He was bein’ pretty careful,” Zaraki breaks in. “If he weren’t, you might be married to the Kenpachi right now.”

Renji laughs. “You just weren’t expecting me, ‘sall.”

“We’ll see about that in the rematch, eh? You do that again, and you’re my new favorite sparring partner. I always liked you, kid, but I never expected this. You ain’t as snotty as the last Captain Kuchiki, but you fight at least as good.”

A strange feeling fills his heart. 

“There’s one more Captain Kuchiki you haven’t tried fighting yet,” he suggests.

Rukia doesn’t seem to find this very funny.

* * *

Rukia is quiet through dinner and stays in her own bedroom that night.

Renji doesn’t really think he deserves this, but it’s not like they ever discussed the terms of their sleeping arrangement, she’s certainly free to change it at any time.

She doesn’t come back the next night, either.

On the third night, after tossing and turning for a bit, Renji raps softly on her door. “Hey. It’s me. Can we talk about when you’re gonna be done being mad at me?”

There’s some shuffling about, and then the door slides open. She’s pulled on a bathrobe and her eyes are puffy. “I’m not mad at you,” she says.

This is awkward. Everything was so awkward at first, but it’s been falling into place, becoming normal. Becoming comfortable. Renji doesn’t want to go back to the awkwardness.

“Why don’t you…” he jerks his head toward his room, “come to bed?”

She looks away. “You never wanted me there in the first place.”

“That’s not…” He grimaces. “I was afraid of hurting you.”

“And now you don’t have nightmares anymore, so there’s no point in it.”

No. No point at all.

“Don’t you sleep better?” he asks, his voice hitching a little. “When you’re with me?”

“I don’t know anymore,” she says, her voice barely a whisper.

They stand across the threshold from each other in silence.

“Maybe… I could come in and sleep with you, instead?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

He’s getting a little tired of this. “What if I want to?” he says, a touch of impatience in his voice. “It’s lonely without you.”

Rukia’s head is still tilted down, but she rolls her eyes up to look at him, almost as though she doesn’t believe him. “If you want to,” she says slowly. “You can come in.”

They’ve been doing this dance for so long, and he doesn’t have it in him tonight. He’s full of piss and vinegar instead, so he flops down in the middle of her bed, letting his limbs sprawl everywhere.

She glares at him as she takes off her bathrobe, and he ignores her utterly.

“Where, exactly, am I supposed to sleep?” she asks icily, sitting down on a small patch he hasn’t claimed.

He grabs her and wraps his arms around her, and rolls her into his embrace, his knees nested with hers, his face pressed into the back of her neck. “Right here,” he says.

After a few minutes, he realizes that she’s crying, hoping he won’t notice. He gives her a little squeeze. 

“I’m tryin’, Ru,” he murmurs. “I’m tryin’ real hard. You just be patient, I’ll get there.”

She starts crying harder, little hiccupy sobs.

He doesn’t know what else to do, so he just holds her until they both fall asleep. 

* * *

It would be nice to say that this is the upswing, that things get better after this.

And in some ways, they do, but in others, they don’t.

Rukia has become cagey. It’s almost as though as Renji is getting better, she is getting worse. He can feel the grief lapping up around his face. He doesn’t know what to do.

There are rumors about the pregnancy, about the timing. That it’s very convenient that a certain substitute shinigami happened to be in Soul Society around the time of the conception.

At home, Renji and Rukia laugh it off-- first of all, the only time Ichigo and Rukia were together during the entire Quincy invasion was when they were literally cutting Yhwach’s head off, a very romantic time, indeed. Secondly, even though Ichigo is very young and still pretty shy about these things, it’s not exactly a secret among his close friends that, given the choice between the two shinigami who accompanied him to the Royal Realm, Rukia isn’t the one he’d choose to lose his virginity to.

Still, they are Kuchiki now, and rumors are more than sticks and stones.

Also, as stiff as she keeps her upper lip, he knows that these slights to her honor cut Rukia deeply. Byakuya probably would have had someone killed over this by now, but this is one area where Renji is still a bit of an amateur. 

There are ups. Momo invites them out to dinner, and Kotetsu Isane is there, too. There’s still grief in her eyes, but there’s a smile on her face, too. She and Momo are dating. They’re happy, really happy. It’s nice to see other people are healing, moving on, but it’s a tiny stab in the heart at the same time.

There are downs, too. The Head Captain wants to dispatch the taller Captain Kuchiki to Hueco Mundo with a field team to deal with a pack of rebellious Vasto Lordes that Harribel isn’t handling fast enough. They get in a roaring fight over it; Rukia doesn’t want him to go without a functional vice-captain. In fact, she even offers to go with him herself, which is stupid, just the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. They scream at each other all the way to the senkaimon, when they get a message that Ichigo beat them to it and he and Grimmjow had a grand ol’ time getting things back in order. 

Rukia and Renji are so mad that they each sleep in their own barracks. Renji remembers almost immediately how much this sucks, but it takes him until 2 am to show up at Squad 13, with an apology burning on his tongue. She lets him in without a word.

* * *

There is a small bundle of letters that Rukia keeps on the dressing table in her room. Sometimes, when she can't sleep, she'll get up and light a candle and sit and read them. 

It doesn't bother Renji, aside from the fact that he wishes she slept better. 

He's not a snoop, but she just leaves them out, so one day he flips through them, just looking at just the outside of the envelopes. He doesn't open them.

They are addressed to Hisana from Byakuya, all of them.

Renji puts them back, and tries not to think about them.

They are bothersome.

Where did Rukia get them? Did Byakuya leave them to her, or did she find them somewhere? Were they written before Hisana’s death or after? Is that why they only go in one direction? Byakuya wrote a lot of letters intended to be read after his death, Renji wouldn't put it past the guy to write letters to his dead wife. The thing that nags him most, though, is what Rukia gets out of them. He's sure she's read through them more than once.

Finally, one evening, while he's waiting for Rukia to finish up in the bath and come to bed, he can't stand it anymore. He pulls one out of the middle of the stack and eases it out of the envelope.

The handwriting is almost unrecognizable in its slapdashery. It is a letter from a young man Renji has never met, a young man who is madly in love with the young woman to whom he is writing. It is _ mushy as hell_. 

Renji refolds the letter and replaces it. It has satisfied almost none of his curiosity and now he feels guilty, besides.

"You okay?" Rukia asks, when she comes in a few minutes later, toweling her hair. "You look like you have a stomachache."

"Just thinking," he lies.

"Ah, that'll be it, then," she teases him cheerfully. She turns out the lamp and crawls into bed beside him. 

He rolls onto his side and she snuggles into the curve of his stomach, their current sleeping configuration.

"Good night, you big dummy," Rukia says, her half of their usual good-nights.

"Good night, you little dummy," he supplies his half.

And it occurs to Renji that maybe the reason there are no return letters, maybe the reason Rukia found these among Byakuya's effects, is that they were never delivered in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a few small references in this chapter to my fanfic [Not Broken, Just Bent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17977262) in case you enjoy stories about Rukia and Renji going for ramen, but it's obviously not required reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter alludes to sexual content between consenting adults, but it is not graphic. I couldn't take it out entirely, it's important to the plot. [Here is the full-smut version](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787242/chapters/49798277/), if you would prefer.

Rukia's eyes track Renji as he paces the office.

"It's going to be _ hours _ before the part we can watch," she points out.

He does not slow his pace.

"Were you like this when _ I _ took the exam?"

"_You _ were the most overprepared candidate for lieutenancy that exam has ever seen. Also, yes."

"Maybe you should go lift," she suggests.

"I'm gonna go lift," he announces.

* * *

  
  
The demonstrations are in the afternoon. 

No records are broken, but there are no abject failures, either.

Renji keeps notes and tries to guess how well his two proteges are doing. It’s not clear either way. The written portion is going to matter, and he has no way of knowing how they did on that.

"When did Sentarou get so good at hakuda, he used to stink at it!" Kiyone is exclaiming to Rukia.

"Maybe he just needed a better looking sparring partner," Rukia suggests, and she and Kiyone go through a bunch of suggestive nods and eyebrow waggles.

"Keep it in your pants, ladies," Renji grumbles. "Kuchiki's into dudes."

They stare at him, incredulous.

"Sorry," he shrugs.

"We weren't talking about _ us_," Rukia clarifies. "You moron."

Renji's eyes drift out over to the practice field, where Sentarou is watching appreciatively as his training buddy is demonstrating his own hakuda skills. "_No_!" he gasps. "I been trainin' with those guys for months, I woulda--"

"Caught 'em kissing behind the equipment shed last week," Rukia singsongs.

Renji’s jaw drops. He closes his mouth, and it falls open again.

“If you murder them, we _ still _ won’t have vice-captains,” Rukia reminds him.

“I am very supportive of peoples’ personal lives!” he protests, before pausing. “Unless they’ve been makin’ out when they were supposed to be training. I’m not supportive of that.” He frowns. “It would probably be pretty hypocritical to make a rule forbidding relationships between co-lieutenants, huh?” he finally manages.

“Probably,” she agrees. 

* * *

They get the news the following day. Kuchiki and Kotsubaki have both passed their exam.

It wasn’t by a lot, but it doesn’t matter. They passed.

Since they aren’t transferring squads, there’s no need for a delay, no repeat of that interminable month Renji waited and waited at Squad 11, his heart revving like that motorbike Shuuhei used to have and throwing up the same black clouds of oily smoke, waiting for time to pass, waiting for Rukia to return.

Renji thinks there should be some pomp, though, so he gathers the squads together and gives a speech. 

Byakuya used to give speeches. Dry, boring speeches that poured out of him as though he was reciting from some standard textbook of Appropriate Speeches for Shinigami Captains that he had memorized a million years ago. Renji had seen him write the speeches, though, in the office that they shared. Byakuya would write and rewrite them, mouthing the words to himself as he composed them. And then he would memorize them. And then he would recite them. It was the damnedest thing Renji had ever seen, simultaneously the most and least human he’d ever seen Kuchiki Byakuya act. He had never told anyone about it, not even Rukia.

Renji’d sat down and wrote the speech a week ago. He didn’t do that many rewrites. He knew what he wanted to say and he wrote it down and then he memorized it. But now, standing in front of his officers, facing these two young men who have worked their asses off for him and for Rukia, and he wants to say something different.

He starts off with a futsal story, which transitions into some general praise of the kind of man he knows Kuchiki can be. He throws in a bit about Squad 6 generally and their duty to provide an example to all the Gotei 13. He ends up waxing a little about lieutenants and captains and as his heart aches for the good ol’ days, he wonders if Kuchiki’s good ol’ days are _ starting right now_. He cuts it off just as he’s starting to get a little emotional, and tries to hand it over to Rukia, who looks dumbfounded.

“I think that was enough speeches for all of us,” she finally says. “Well done, Kotsubaki. Everyone, buy these guys a drink whenever you see them at the bar. They’re taking on the best and shittiest job in the Gotei and they’ll need it.”

Then, they each present their lieutenant with his badge and exchange salutes, and release these poor fools to go get sauced with their friends. Or they try to, anyway. They linger, the both of them, even as the rest of the squad clears out.

“Sorry if that speech was too much,” Renji apologizes, feeling a little self-conscious.

“It wasn’t,” Kuchiki reassures him.

“Y’know, Captain Kuchiki always used to give good speeches, and I just…” 

“No, he didn’t. He gave speeches, sure, but they weren't _ good_. They were very Captain Kuchiki Byakuya speeches. We all appreciated them. They were necessary, but they were _ nonsense_. Do you remember the one about the banded kestrel? It was _ terrible_.”

_Boy_, does he, although he honestly hasn't thought about it in a while. He remembers listening to it, thinking, once again, what a low class dummy he is, how he doesn't belong in Squad 6, what a cosmic joke this is. And then, at futsal practice, the guys rolling in, moaning "What the hell _ was _ that? Abarai, do you know what that tortured bird metaphor was supposed to be about?"

“It just kept going and going,” Renji agrees.

“Anyway, speeches are an important part of Squad 6 and that was a very Captain Kuchiki Renji speech. I look forward to more of them.”

Renji palms the young man’s head. “Eh, get outta here. Matsumoto'll take it out on me if you show up late. Kotsubaki! Don’t get my lieutenant in trouble, you hear me?”

“Now, you sound like the old Captain Kuchiki,” Choei mumbles, grabbing Sentarou by the arm and leaving.

Renji regards his co-captain, who is appraising him with a look in her eye that he can't quite place. “You got something to say about my speech?”

“I like watching you be a captain,” she says simply. "We have lieutenants now. Let's go home and take a nap."

"Our lieutenants are off getting utterly shitfaced," he points out. 

"Good," she replies. "No one will catch us."

They go home and take a nap. 

* * *

Renji sits at his desk, staring at the piece of paper before him. He is not trying to write a speech this time.

Rukia comes in, her hair a bit askew and her eyes bright. She has been holding kidou lessons, one of the few non-stationary activities she is permitted and her favorite part of the week.

He looks down at what he has written so far.

"You are the best thing in my life. I just want to make you happy and I don't know how."

"Rikichi," she says smugly, "just cast a _ Raikouhou_.”

"No shit!" Renji exclaims. "I can't do that one."

He writes down, "You are so smart. You are my favorite captain."

"You can so, I've seen you."

"If I keep playing incompetent, you'll train up all my people for me and then I won't have to."

"I would do that anyway," she grins. "So we can send them off on missions and then goof around."

He writes down "You work so hard and pretend you don't."

"What are you writing?" she asks, craning her neck.

"Nothing," he replies, crumpling the paper up into a ball. "You want to go to lunch?"

"I always want to go to lunch, you know that," she jokes.

He dumps the ball of paper in the wastebasket as he gets up.

"Oh, we need more practice dummies."

"Again?" he raises one eyebrow. "Rikichi's really been going through 'em, huh?"

"No," she corrects him. "No, it was me."

"I know," he replies, and takes his wife to lunch.

* * *

“This is weird,” Kira comments.

They are sitting in Renji’s back garden, sipping tea that a servant has made for them. It’s a lovely fall day, just a touch of crispness in the air. There are little tea snacks, too, bits of cucumber and pickled plums and such. Kira hasn’t touched any of that. 

“Sorry,” Renji apologizes.

Kira snorts. “Are you seriously apologizing for offering me tea and hors d'oeuvres in your fancy house instead of rotgut from the bottle on the roof of your division offices? Never change, Abarai.”

“You said you had something to tell me.”

Kira nods exaggeratedly. “Yeah. I’m leaving the Gotei.”

Renji blinks. “What?”

“Oh, I’m not going far. I’m transferring to the Kidou Corps.”

“Why?”

Kira squints up a cloud that looks a little like a bunny. “Lotta reasons. I… I can’t fight like I used to. My balance is shit, I keep snapping my support struts. You get the idea. Secondly, I… I can’t manage to have a good relationship with my captain. And it’s not Rose’s fault. He’s a good man. But I’ll never have with him what Momo has with Captain Hirako or what Shuuhei has with Captain Muguruma or whatever that shit was you had with Captain Kuchiki. And thirdly, I am tired of being held together with Squad 12 technology. Maybe there’s answers for me in the Demon Arts.”

Renji stares at him. “I knew that was what it was going to be. You’re going to become a dark wizard.”

“You have no idea what the Kidou Corps does, do you? How did you even make captain?”

Renji shrugs. “You’re going to commune with dark forces, right? Wear a lot of flowing robes and have a lab with a bunch of skulls on shelves and fizzy stuff in decanters?”

“Yes, you’ve got me. That’s it, exactly.”

“You’ll let me come visit, right? Show me your drippy candle collection?”

“Of course.”

“Good,” Renji says cheerfully, shoving a cucumber in his mouth. “As long as we’re still friends, I can make sure you never go full dark wizard and try to sell Soul Society to demons or whatever.”

"Oh, like you could stop me."

"They are quiet for a moment. "All jokin' aside," Renji finally says, "I'm glad you're trying something new."

"Really?" Kira frowns. "Everyone's been saying that, but I can tell they don't mean it. Except Momo, she just told me straight it was a bad idea."

"Naw, I mean it. For a while there, I was just letting stuff happen to me and it was awful. Trying stuff is good, even if its dumb stuff or if it turns out bad. You can always come back. I mean, I just spent three months training up a lieutenant, but I'd kick him to the curb in a hot second if I could boss you around instead."

Kira rolls his eyes. "That is so obviously untrue. I was there when you personally brought him to the last lieutenants' meeting. I can’t imagine how insufferable you’re going to be when you’re _ actually _ a dad."

Renji looks off into the middle distance and clenches his fist."I'm just..._ really proud _ of him."

Renji expects more teasing, but instead, Izuru smiles fondly. "I was honestly worried at first. You weren't in a good place when it happened, but I'm glad you took over the Sixth, Renji. You're a really good captain, and it suits you. And I think Kuchiki is lucky that he’s going to get to work with you. Lieutenant Kuchiki, that is. There are really too many of you, you know." 

Renji feels his cheeks burning. 

Kira pretends not to notice. "Sometimes I think back to when we were kids, and Momo and I wanted to be captains and you didn't. And now here we are."

"I think that says something more about captaincies than it does about us," Renji mumbles.

"Heh, maybe," Izuru agrees.

"Either way, it's not easy, y'know," Renji blusters. "I gotta stay on my toes. So you better keep comin' by and givin' me a hard time and teachin' me what the Kidou Corps does and stuff."

Kira pulls a pickled plum off the tea tray. "I guess. For the good of the Gotei." 

"Oh, yeah," Renji agrees. "For the good of the Gotei." 

* * *

He doesn’t have The Nightmare anymore, but he gets other nightmares instead. New, exciting, creative nightmares, now that his brain isn’t stuck in the rut of endlessly replaying Byakuya’s death.

Tonight, Rukia and Ichigo have gone off to fight Yhwach, and he’s stayed behind with Orihime. They’re both hurt pretty bad, but she’s too tired to heal and he can’t, so they sit side-by-side, propped up against the rubble, wondering how things are going. In real life, they held hands, and they talked breathlessly about how great Rukia and Ichigo are, their very favorite people in the entire world, and banished any idea that either of them could possibly lose.

But in the dream, they are silent, and the sky grows dark and cold. Orihime isn’t there any more and Renji isn’t sure she ever was. Then, he feels himself crumbling to dust, starting with his hands and feet, and he knows that they have lost, that all is lost.

He should feel scared, he should feel sad, but he doesn’t, he feels _ fine_. Fuck it, he thinks. Screw it all.

And then he wakes up, and it’s dark and he’s warm and cozy and curled around Rukia, and he doesn’t feel fine _ at all. _He stuffs his face into her hair and breathes in her scent and his breath comes in big relieved sobs. He wants to live. He wants to be with Rukia. He wants to fight side-by-side with her again. He wants to hold their baby. 

Renji nuzzles her neck and wraps his arms around her. “Ru?” he begs, kissing her jaw just below the ear.

“Mmm?” she responds. 

He’s woken her up, and he feels a little bad about that, but he honestly hasn’t asked for a lot in the past few months, and he wants this desperately. “Ru, I want-- I need you. Do you think-- could we--?”

In an instant, she’s awake and rolled over and kissing him. He tangles his fingers roughly in her hair and bites at her lip. She moans happily and and throws one leg over his hip. 

It’s not the way they usually make love. Usually, she takes the lead and he just tries to make her happy. But for once, he’s not sad or apologetic about any of this, he just loves her and he wants her. Judging by the noises she’s making and way her fingers are scratching into his scalp, she wants him, too, and he doesn’t try to pretend she doesn’t or excuse it away.

When it’s over, he flops down on his side beside her, and nuzzles his face into her hair, the way this all started. “Thank you,” he tells her gratefully.

She lies bonelessly, but swivels her eyes over to regard him like he’s a nut. Maybe he is one. “What brought all this on?”

“Bad dream,” he says simply.

“Bad dream?” she echoes. 

Renji rubs a hand over her stomach. She still doesn't show when fully dressed, especially under all the bulk of her shihakushou and haori, but she’s got a cute little bump that only he gets to see. “You weren’t there. In the dream. And then I woke up, and you were here.”

“That’s it?”

Now is not the time. She deserves a whole speech and flowers. But he’s tired and satisfied and cozy, and after all this time, of it turning to ash in his mouth a thousand times, it just sort of slips out. “And I love you and I wanted to make love t’you. Sorry I woke you up.” He pats her tummy. “Sorry t’you, too, bud.”

“Stop being sorry,” she manages, her voice barely audible.

“‘Kay,” he agrees, and falls right to sleep.

* * *

Rukia's best sleeping hours are usually around the time Renji gets up, so he's a little surprised to find himself alone in bed when he wakes. And then he remembers what he said in the middle of the night and he panics.

Three minutes later, he come skidding into the dining room, struggling to get his elbow through the armhole of his haori, his hair still in its nighttime braid.

Rukia has already finished her breakfast and is looking out at the garden through the window as she drinks her tea. She turns her head to look at him standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and buffoonish. 

"You're still here," he manages.

"I let you sleep in a little," she admits, "but it's not time to leave for work, yet."

He gets his haori settled and gingerly sits down across from her. His head is spinning. He needs to explain himself. He needs to tell her everything. He hasn't planned this. He doesn't know what to say, where to start. "I thought…I thought maybe you went in early. That maybe you didn't want to see me this morning."

Rukia sets her teacup down on the table, but she doesn't let go of it. Her face stiffens into a Kuchiki-like mask. "It was the middle of the night. You were nearly asleep. Do you want a take-back?"

Renji's brain derails from the speech it is desperately trying to piece together. "_No_, I don't want a take-back!" he exclaims, offended.

And then Rukia's face softens, and the corners of her mouth turn up, and Renji can _ feel _ it, as the grief that has flooded this house drops, down to chin level at least. 

And then she stands up and walks around the table. She kisses him on the temple, the way he sometimes does to her, says, "I love you, too," and leaves.

Apparently, no speeches are necessary.

* * *

It changes everything and it changes nothing.

He sits for a long time, confused by how completely unsurprised he is. But he knows she loves him, why else would she have put up with his bullshit for the past five months? She's loved him a lot longer than that, in fact, waiting patiently for him to be ready to do something about it. Then she yells at him from another room that if he doesn't get a move on, they'll be late, and he realizes that whether he's ready or not, he doesn't want to keep her waiting anymore.

He's not even sure if it's the confession that changes things, or if it was waking up from that shitty dream and wanting to have a life again. It's not that he isn't still sad or that he starts sleeping better or that he stops feeling like shit all the time, but he's _ tired _ of feeling sad all the time, and like he told Kira, maybe it’s time to just start _ trying _ stuff, whether or not it’s gonna work.

He strolls into the office one afternoon with an armful of red camellias.

"Thank you, Captain of the Sixth Division," Rukia teases him, as he bangs through cabinets hunting for a vase. Surely Ukitake kept one around here someplace.

"I know about flowers," he huffs, his indignance very obviously a put-on. "You know why I got you those, and it's not 'cause they're my squad symbol." He frowns. "Well, not _ just _ 'cause. I guess I coulda got you roses instead."

"I like camellias better," she informs him.

* * *

The next day, he comes in from morning drills, and there's a bag of taiyaki on his desk, still warm. 

"There's five in here," he points out. "I thought they sold these in half dozens."

"Hmm," Rukia taps her finger on her chin.

"Five's too many anyway, you gonna help me out with these?"

"Oh, only if I must."

* * *

"I saw the doctor today," Rukia says over dinner.

"Everything okay?" Renji asks. 

"Everything's going fine," she replies.

They have this identical conversation every time. He knows Rukia is very serious about the Heir and that she is working very hard at doing a good job, but he's never been sure how she actually _ feels _ about it. He hasn't wanted to know, actually, afraid of what the answer might be. But it occurs to him that maybe she doesn't talk about it because she's afraid of how _ he _ feels about it, that they're caught in this feedback loop of doubt and fear, so he decides to put out a feeler.

"Um, is there any, uh, news? I mean, I'm glad things are fine, I was just wondering if… I dunno… do you ever hear anything interesting at-- "

"The baby is the size of a sweet potato!" Rukia blurts out.

Renji blinks. "A sweet potato?"

"The doctor always gives me the closest vegetable approximation."

Renji frowns. "This is the rich people baby doctor, right? I think you should go back to Hanatarou."

Rukia smiles. "The doctor is fine, Renji."

Renji pokes his dinner. The truth is, he's kind of curious about his yam child. "Baby gonna start movin' around soon? That's a thing, right?"

"They already do that," Rukia informs him.

"Oh," he replies, surprised. "You can, um, feel it?"

"Faintly." She scoops up a bite of food, but pauses before it makes it to her mouth. "Can you feel their reiatsu? Separate from mine? Because I can tell when they're awake from their reiatsu and I didn't know if you could, that's kind of fun."

Renji's face turns a little red. "If I concentrate. That seemed kinda like invadin' your privacy."

"Oh, I don't mind," she waves a hand. "I mean, if you're interested. Maybe it's not that interesting."

"I'm interested!" he assures her a little too firmly.

Rukia smiles and goes back to eating. "They're asleep now, but they usually wake up shortly after I eat."

Renji's mind is blown a little. Rukia _ is _ excited about this. He feels so relieved. He also feels mildly terrible-- obviously she's just been waiting for someone to talk about this with, and he's led her to believe he doesn't care and he _ does _ care, and furthermore, he's been missing out, he could have been listening to his kid's reiatsu _ weeks _ ago and--

"Can I tell you something that might be a little shady?" Rukia interrupts his reverie.

"Uh, yeah, I love shady things," he replies.

"Well, you know what a liar Sode no Shirayuki is."

"I know you say she is. I kinda doubt she's any worse than Zabimaru."

"They're both terrible," Rukia amends. "Anyway, I don't even know how she would know, but she says we're, uh, having a son." There is a long silence. "I mean, I've already started thinking of him as a 'he' instead of a 'they.' It feels good to finally say it out loud. Even if it's just between us, y'know, a secret. In case it turns out to be wrong."

"Oh," says Renji. His mind is definitely blown now. He is pretty sure it would be equally blown at the news of a daughter, it's just the concreteness of it. The _ person-ness _ of it.

Rukia is staring at him, regret painted on her face. "That was too much, I'm sorry."

"It was too much," Renji agrees. "But only ‘cause I’m way behind. You just gotta catch me up slow, okay? Yam son, gets excited when it’s food time, just like his old man. Did I get that right?”

“Yes,” Rukia nods, the most indulgent facial expression he’s ever seen on her face.

Renji nods along and he can’t keep himself from smiling.

And Rukia smiles back at him.

* * *

The 29th Head of the Kuchiki family has seen fit to donate a very large oil painting of Byakuya to the Seireitei Royal Gallery. There is to be a reception.

Renji and Rukia would rather fight all eleven Espada at once than attend, but it would be a huge embarrassment if they didn’t. So they put on their fancy clothes and their game faces and they go to the art museum.

The painting is huge and dominates the room. Byakuya wears his captain’s uniform and stands beneath a cherry tree in full bloom, his hand on the hilt of his sword. It’s a good enough likeness, but it lacks an essential Byakuya-ness.

“He looks so calm and serene,” Rukia mutters under her breath. “They completely failed to capture his resting bitch face.”

Renji stomps on her foot, but she is absolutely correct. He can’t look at the portrait without thinking about it. He can’t look at it at all, to be honest. It’s not his captain.

They get separated shortly thereafter, that is their first mistake.

People keep telling Byakuya stories or asking Renji for Byakuya stories, and he has a few anodyne ones that he can tell on autopilot, but the room is hot and crowded. This is an Ohno crowd and he has to stay on his toes, they have few friends here. There is a lot of alcohol going around. Renji hasn’t had a drink in months and when he somehow ends up with a glass of plum wine in his hand, he thinks, I’m not a drunk anymore, I can handle a few sips. It will calm my nerves, it will help me get through this.

It’s not the _ worst _ idea he’s ever had, but it is a _ notably bad _ one. The room is spinning and he finds himself relating the time he and Byakuya tried in earnest to kill one another. He’s almost at the part where Byakuya congratulates him for “retaining his human form” when he feels an urgent hand on his elbow. 

It is Rukia. She is feeling faint, she says, she is so sorry. She thought she could make it, but she just can’t, could he please take her home?

Renji muscles them both out of there, making loud excuses for her, while she looks pale and apologetic.

They slump against each other in the carriage on the way home. They made it a whopping 47 minutes. 

“I am so sorry,” Renji groans. “I fucked that up so bad. You saved my life. You are the best wife in the world. I love you.”

“I had been thinking about faking a swoon since the minute we got there,” she replies grimly. “I kept telling myself that I had to keep going, that Brother would never bail on an uncomfortable cocktail party. Thank you so much for fucking that up so we could go home. You are the best husband. I love you.”

Her hand wriggles into his, and he squeezes it.

They ride the rest of the way home in silence.

* * *

Ichigo is raking leaves in his backyard when Renji finds him.

"Why do you bother with this?" Renji asks him. "More of 'em just fall down."

"How do you not understand 'yards'?" Ichigo complains. "Soul Society is so dumb, I swear."

"I have a yard," Renji announces proudly. "Well, a garden. I have a gardener, too, which means I don't need to know how it works."

"Well, here's your short answer, then," Ichigo grouches. "I’m doin’ it 'cause my old man told me to."

"You think I can get my kid to do stuff, just by tellin' 'em to?" Renji wonders aloud.

"You wanted that, you shoulda thought twice about makin' a kid with Rukia," Ichigo points out. 

"Heh. That's for damn sure."

Ichigo leans on his rake. "Why are you here, anyway?"

Renji stretches, his back popping. "To apologize."

Ichigo makes a horrified face. "What have you done _ now_?"

"For last summer, you dumb fucko. When you asked me to take care of Rukia and I was a dick about it."

Ichigo looks uncomfortable. "C'mon, man, you know I never stay mad at people.” He nudges some leaves into his pile with one foot. “How's she doing now? She didn't seem great the last time you were here."

"We're still pretty much still takin' it one day at a time," Renji shrugs. "And the Seireitei is still a mess, and we're still shorthanded, and the Kuchiki bitches are still bitches. But, ah, I, um, told her I loved her and she didn't kick me out, so that's something."

Ichigo regards him skeptically. "Did you do it in a nice way, or did it just slip out while she was punching you or something?"

Renji's face turns red. He hates this damn kid. "First of all, fuck you."

Ichigo throws up his hands. "I can't believe you, you dumbass! You're the _ worst!"_

_"You think I don't know that?!" _

They are both suddenly quiet.

"I'm doin' my best," Renji mumbles. 

Ichigo wrinkles his nose. “What do you want, man? My approval? I’m just a college kid who still lives at home. I’ve never even had a real boyfriend. I don’t know shit about ghost marriages. I know you’re doin’ your best, you always have, except that one time and that's why I got mad at you. Rukia's the second worst, anyway. She seems to like you and your crummy attempts at romance for some damn reason. Who cares about my opinion?”

Renji nods slowly. “Thanks, Ichigo.” He gives the kid a punch on the shoulder. "You should come visit sometime. I miss fighting you."

Ichigo rolls his eyes. "I hear you're really strong now. I'm not sure I want to."

"Then come by after the baby's born, you can fight Rukia instead."

Ichigo snorts. "I _ definitely _ don't want to do _ that."_

Ichigo doesn't actually like fighting, Renji recalls. He's good at it, very good at it, but it's just a thing that he does to protect his friends. He used to enjoy a friendly spar now and again, but less so since he got his powers back. Renji realizes that they only ever see Ichigo when there's something to fight. Some friends they are.

"Just come by, then," he blurts out. "For dinner or something. Sorry we've not been real fun to be around lately, but we miss you. You haven't even seen the house. You can bring everyone else, too, or just come yourself, either way."

Ichigo raises one eyebrow. “I think Ishida might still be banned from Soul Society.”

Renji flaps a hand. “I’ll talk to Nanao, get him a pass or something. We’re captains, they let us do what we want.” 

Ichigo grins wryly. "Alright. I think I'd like that. I’m not raking your yard, though."

* * *

Rukia is hot.

So even though it is the coldest night of November so far, they are sitting out on the engawa, looking up at the stars. 

Renji is wearing a thick hanten and has a blanket over his knees. He is thinking nostalgically of the thick wool hat Chad loaned him for cold days in the World of the Living. It had little flappy bits that came down over his ears.

The next four months are going to be very long and very chilly. He wonders if he can get Chad to bring him that hat.

The stars are nice, though.

Rukia has been very quiet. Renji’s got something on his mind, something that's been bothering him for a while. He doesn’t know if it’s the right time, but he might as well get it over with.

“Hey, Rukia?”

“Mmm?”

“I need to tell you something.”

She scrutinizes him with narrowed eyes. “This is bad, isn’t it?”

“It isn’t great,” he admits.

Her face stiffens. She’s bracing for impact, Renji realizes. She’s still so brittle, he's played this wrong. 

“It’s not that bad!” he waves his hands. “I mean, it’s not great, but it’s not _ important_, either. Don’t get all--” Better to just dive into it. “Argh. You know those letters you got? The ones from Captain Kuchiki to your sister?”

Rukia blinks, surprised. “What about them?”

“I read one.”

She stares at him. “That’s it? That’s the bad thing?”

“Yeah. I know it was an invasion of privacy, and I’m sorry about that. It was a few weeks ago.”

Rukia snorts and her whole body relaxes. “You looked through some very private letters that I, known snoop Kuchiki Rukia, filched out of the personal effects of my dead brother? You’re a monster.”

“I only looked at one of them.”

Rukia rolls her eyes, but then looks at him affectionately. “You are forgiven as long as you are confessing this to me, not out of guilt, but because you want to _ talk about _ them.”

Renji rubs the back of his neck. “Well, _ yeah_, I want to talk about them.” He sighs. “The fact is… I mean… I’ve been trying to write you letters. And I can’t. There are things I want to tell you so bad and I just can’t get them out. And I think about your brother, and what a closed-off sonuvabitch he was. And I read that letter he wrote to your sister and he was someone completely different. He loved her so much, Ru. And he wasn’t calm or elegant or composed about it, he was a mess.”

Rukia tries unsuccessfully, to blink away the tears gathering in her eyes. “I know.”

“You said you found them in his stuff? Do you think he ever gave them to her? Do you think she knew how he felt?”

“I think they were drafts,” Rukia replies matter-of-factly. “There was another set of letters. Back-and-forth. He kept those in the drawer where he kept his scarf and his kenseikan. I put them in his kosode before the funeral. I never read them. They burned with him.” She rests her hands on her knees and makes a pained face. “I wish I hadn’t.” 

“It was the right thing to do,” he assures her.

“I _ know _ that," she snaps. "But it didn’t occur to me until later that… that everyone who knew my sister is gone. Maybe there were people in Rukongai that knew her, but I wouldn’t know how to find them. Byakuya didn’t talk about her much, but everything I know about her came from him. And now he’s gone. Those letters are the last thread I have of her. And when I read them, I can barely recognize _ him _ in those letters. No one knew him, Renji, no one knew the real him. I probably knew him better than anyone, except maybe you, and I barely knew him at all.” She rubs one eye angrily with the palm of her hand. “Kaien told me once that when we die, we leave our hearts with our friends. And… and sometimes I think…I think that Byakuya didn’t leave me with enough. How am I supposed to keep his heart for him, when he never gave it to me in the first place?”

Renji puts his arm around her shoulders, and pulls her close, squeezing his own eyes shut. 

“I don’t even know if he loved me,” Rukia murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper. “He never told me. And I thought maybe he just… didn’t say things like that, but then, those letters… Except that those aren’t even the ones he sent. I don’t know. I’ll never know.”

“Hey,” Renji interrupts. “He loved you. I know he did.” He thinks for a moment. “He said so in one of his letters to me, he said he cared about you more than anything else. As if I didn’t know it already.” He thinks about his strange, inscrutable captain. “He would get this little smile whenever you came by the office, even if it was to see me instead of him. And even though he was a huge bitch about you gettin’ seated, he was just disgustingly proud of you after you became a lieutenant, bragged about you constantly.” He smiles down at her sadly. “I wish, so much, that he could have seen your bankai. He would have _ loved _ your bankai. I’d _ still _ be hearing about your bankai.”

Rukia’s face is crumpled with emotion and embarrassment. “He was stupidly proud of you, too, you know!” she exclaims defensively. “I mean, he loved dragging you more than anything, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes he would be telling me how a mission went, bragging about some ridiculous kidou he cast, and he would throw in, ‘and of course, Abarai was holding off the slavering hordes for me, as he does.’ It was so casual and so off-hand, no one would recognize it for what it was, except me. Because he didn’t trust anyone, he didn’t count on anyone for anything, except you. He didn't talk about Lieutenant Shirogane that way. I feel like I’m not explaining this well, he was just so…”

“No, I know,” Renji interrupts, trying to keep this feeling from overwhelming him.

“Why was he _like_ _that_?” Rukia shakes her head. “Why did everything have to be so fucking _difficult_ with him?”

“Maybe…” Renji says slowly. “Maybe he did leave us his heart, but split between the two of us. Maybe he couldn’t stand to let go of too much of it at one time, so he gave the part that loved you to me and the part that trusted me to you. Or maybe he thought it was too big a burden for either one of us alone, but that we could carry it together. And that’s why he left you his family and me his squad, two things that can’t be split apart either.”

Rukia closes her eyes and leans into his side. “Oh, fuck. I think you’re right. Oh, that bastard. Fuck that guy.”

Renji snorts through his nose and rubs his hand up and down Rukia’s arm. He thinks about the man who took away the love of his life and gave her back again. Who treated him like trash and then taught him to be a captain. A man he hated and envied and admired and loved, and didn’t understand, not even a little bit. “Yeah,” he says. “Fuck that guy.” 

* * *

_a few months later_

  
Welp, throw one more thing onto the pile of terrible things he’s done to Kuchiki Rukia, Renji thinks: putting a nine-and-a-half pound baby in her.

He can’t bring himself to feel too guilty, though, because Rukia is now sleeping peacefully, sprawled in a most unladylike fashion, drooling and snoring. She barely slept at all, the last few weeks of the pregnancy, so he’s happy to let her have this.

Also, it means that he gets to have Kuchiki Koharu tucked in his own kosode, warm and sleepy and, he admits, kinda heavy. He also has more reiatsu than Renji was expecting. Renji’s been listening to his son’s reiatsu for months now, trying to tell when the baby was awake or asleep, hungry or squirmy, but it turns out that it was masked pretty heavily by Rukia’s, that what he thought was the full volume was more like a radio being played three rooms away. They’re gonna be in for it, for sure.

Koharu was kind enough to come a few weeks late, which muddies the waters, vis-a-vis whether or not his parents were married at the time of his conception. His hair is dark. Renji wouldn’t wish his own hair on anyone, but he was sort of hoping a shock of red might alleviate some rumors. Otherwise, Koharu looks very much like his father-- the long jaw, the nose to match. He has inherited his mother’s scowl and also the shape of her eyes. It’s too soon to tell what color they’ll be-- right now, they’re a sort of muddy bluish grey, when they’re open. Overall, he looks a right Rukongai mutt. But if you catch his face from the side, in just the right light, his features sort of come together, and he almost has the look of a Kuchiki. Maybe some kenseikan will help.

“D’ya like him?” Rukia’s sleepy voice asks.

He brushes his fingers over the baby’s fine hair. “I love him,” he says, surprising even himself at how easily the words come. 

“Do you want to know a secret?” Rukia whispers loudly. 

“Tell me.”

“I told everyone I made him for the Kuchikis, but I really made him just for you.”

Koharu can tell people are talking about him; he wakes and makes a squawking noise.

“That was very nice of you,” Renji replies, rubbing the baby’s back in hopes that he’ll go back to sleep. No dice. “I hope you’re happy with him, too, because I think he wants some of your attention.”

Rukia scoots up in the bed and does “gimme” hands until Renji hands over their son. “You stay, too,” she says, patting the bed next to her as she rather expertly maneuvers the baby onto a breast. Renji is impressed. He has never tried to imagine Rukia doing mother things, but of course she’s good at it. She’s good at everything. He’s not so sure he’s gonna be good at father things, but he plans to give it his best. Sometimes his best isn’t enough, but maybe this time, it will be.

Gingerly, he sits on her bed with her, and Rukia snuggles next to him and gives him a smile. 

“Have you read him his letter yet?” she asks, smoothing Koharu’s hair back fondly.

“Uh, no,” Renji says, patting around in his kosode for the envelope Rukia has been making him carry around for the past few weeks. “Was waiting for everyone to be awake. He’s eatin’ now. Don’t need to be readin’ a guy an important letter from his uncle while he’s eatin’.”

“He doesn’t take long, at least not yet,” Rukia explains. 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna read it?” Renji excuses. “You’re the head of the family.”

“You’re the captain of the Sixth,” she reminds him. “Besides, you do a better Byakuya voice.”

“I’m not doing the Byakuya voice," he grumbles. “It’s disrespectful.”

“Suit yourself.” She looks down. “Ah, are you all done? Perfect timing, Daddy has something to read to you!” Rukia rearranges herself, and props the baby up. 

Koharu scowls at his father. The fancy baby doctor, whom Renji still doesn’t trust, says babies can’t see very well, and when he does this he’s probably focusing on the high contrast of Renji’s tattoos and possibly also his hair. Renji thinks his son is very skeptical of him, and he can’t blame the kid, he’s pretty skeptical of himself, too.

Renji pulls the letter out of the envelope and unfolds it. He hasn’t read it, yet. It is heavily annotated in Rukia’s handwriting. He clears his throat. “This might be a little confusin’, kid. This is a letter from your uncle, who was Mom’s brother. So when I say ‘I’, I’m pretendin’ to be Uncle Captain Kuchiki--”

“Uncle Byakuya,” Rukia corrects dryly.

“--and not ol’ Dad. I’m sorry to do this to you, here on your first day, but your mom insisted.”

“He’s a baby, Renji, just get on with it.”

“Okay, here goes. ‘To my beloved nephew or niece, Koharu (please circle appropriate address and fill in name).”

“I already did all the circling! Just read the correct part!” 

Renji has gotten hung up though. “Is this how we’re spelling his name?” he asks, surprised. _ Koi, haruka_. Love and separation. The name was a unilateral Rukia-decision, today was the first time he even got to hear it.

“You think I would misspell my own son’s name?”

“You named him after me,” Renji says quietly.

“I named him after both of us,” Rukia corrects loftily. The _ koi _ as in your name and the ‘ru’ sound at the end is for me. You get the spelling and I get the sound.” She’s silent for a moment. “You would have named him after some dusty old dead Kuchiki general or something.”

Renji shakes off his daze. “Yeah, well, that’s why I let you pick. It’s a good name. I like it.” 

Koharu yawns.

“Uh-oh, you better get moving before he falls asleep again!”

“Okay, okay. ‘To my beloved nephew, Koharu, on the event of his birth. I regret that I cannot be there in person to deliver this message, and indeed, for many other occasions, as well. Congratulations and welcome. You have been fortunate enough to be born into the finest family in Soul Society, but you will soon learn that this entails great responsibility as well. Listen well to your parents, they are wise and strong and they care for you very much.” 

Renji almost gets choked up, except that he’s too distracted by what is written in parentheses next to this. “Rukia: this presumes that you have married Abarai. If you have married someone else, please cross out ‘parents’ and write ‘mother’. Also, you should have married Abarai. -KB.”

“Ignore that part, keep going” Rukia hisses, bouncing Koharu a little to keep his attention. 

“‘Do not give your mother any trouble, she is the finest woman in Soul Society and deserves your respect.’ Renji looks Koharu in the eye. “I second that. ‘There are many things I would have liked to teach you myself. I have written down as much as I could’-- how many of these letters are there?”

“There’s a box,” Rukia supplies grimly.

Renji rolls his eyes and then plows on. “‘I have never been good at playing things by ear, but that is something at which your parents have always excelled, and I suspect you will too. In fact, I expect you to excel in many things and to bring honor and glory to the Kuchiki line as well as the Sixth Division of the Gotei 13, but please be assured that regardless of your achievements, I shall always--” Renji’s voice catches in his throat. “I shall always love you simply because you are my nephew.’” He swallows thickly. “‘Your uncle, Kuchiki Byakuya, 28th Head of the Kuchiki Family.’”

Rukia plants a big kiss on Koharu’s forehead. “Wasn’t that nice?”

“‘Nice’?” Renji exclaims. “Since when was he ‘nice’?”

Rukia shrugs. “Since we made him a nephew.”

Renji sighs. “Can I have my baby back? You got to have him for the last nine months.”

Rukia smiles knowingly, and passes him over. “I’ll let you use that excuse today, but it’s not going to work forever, got that?”

Koharu gives Renji another skeptical look, then yawns again. Renji knows he should get out of Rukia’s bed in case she wants to go back to sleep, but he just leans back and gets comfortable. “Your Uncle Captain Kuchiki was a hard guy to know,” he informs Koharu. “You might even get to know him from his letters better than if he was still alive. If he was here, he’d just glide in and tell your ma, ‘Excellent job, Rukia, you have most definitely produced an infant. Lieutenant Abarai, don’t be late for morning drills tomorrow.’” He does the Byakuya voice this time.

“But,” Rukia interrupts, “he loved me and he loved Daddy and he would have loved you too.”

This might be a lie. Renji isn’t sure, especially that part about loving Daddy. But Byakuya left them his heart and they get to decide what to do with it. “And your ma and I love you, too,” he adds for good measure.

Koharu has had enough of this. He closes his eyes and his little mouth lolls open and he looks exactly like his mother when he sleeps.

Speaking of which, Rukia regards her child fondly, then rolls over onto her side, nestles against Renji's ribs, and closes her eyes as well. And Renji keeps watch while his family sleeps.

~end


End file.
